Vanderpump Rules Third Season Premiere Recap: I Can't Cry Because These Eyelashes Are Mink

Vanderpump Rules, Episode 1: "Instafight"

Welcome back, "Vanderpump Rules" fans!  The worst servers in America are back to have sex with each other, fight and make you wonder if Lisa Vanderpump regrets agreeing to do this spin-off, seeing as how BRAVO now controls who gets hired and who gets fired at SUR.  The third season premiere had everything we'd come to expect from this show.  Tom Sandoval wearing women's clothes, Kristen being awful, Scheana being annoying and Jax shirtless.  First thing.  Yes, the first shot of season 3 is Jax working out shirtless in really loose fitting sweat pants.  God bless you, Andy Cohen.  I may buy your book.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Who Wants to Geocache?

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 16: "Go Yell It on the Mountain"

Why, Kristen?  Why did you decide that going to Montana was a good idea?   You obviously hate everything about it, even though you are trying hard to convince yourself that you don't.  This bringing out a bad side of you.  You are being uber competitive with Heather and it just isn't a good look.  There is nothing wrong with not rappelling or admitting that geocaching is stupid.  It's fine.  So, this vacation is a bust.  You will plan other trips.  I just want to hold you, pat your hair, and tell you everything is going to be ok.  Maybe had someone done that this whole episode would have been totally different.  Who knows.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Tequila Makes Shannon Have a Meltdown

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 11: "Making Woo-Hoo-Py"

This episode was as boring as Lizzie.  Seriously.  What is Lizzie's storyline this season?  She wants to be a wife, mother and a businesswoman, but Christian wants her to just pump out babies?  Which she wants to?  Who cares?  It's just not very exciting and whenever Lizzie comes onscreen, my eyes just sort of glaze over.  I can appreciate that Heather is trying to cultivate a relationship with her, but if Lizzie wants to be more than a one season wonder she needs to get her shit together and bring something to the table.