Vanderpump Rules, Episode 1: "Instafight"
Welcome back, "Vanderpump Rules" fans! The worst servers in America are back to have sex with each other, fight and make you wonder if Lisa Vanderpump regrets agreeing to do this spin-off, seeing as how BRAVO now controls who gets hired and who gets fired at SUR. The third season premiere had everything we'd come to expect from this show. Tom Sandoval wearing women's clothes, Kristen being awful, Scheana being annoying and Jax shirtless. First thing. Yes, the first shot of season 3 is Jax working out shirtless in really loose fitting sweat pants. God bless you, Andy Cohen. I may buy your book.
Season two ended with Kristen's life in shambles. She and Tom had broken up. She had no friends after it was revealed that she had slept with Jax, after lying about it for most of the season. Lisa was over her and she was dangerously close to losing her job. Things aren't going much better for her as season three opens. One good (?) thing in Kristen's life is that she is dating James. Some fun facts about James. He's British, he's a DJ and he seems to spend most of his time posting Beemer selfies on Instagram. He used to be BFF's with Tom and Tom once held him in his arms while he cried. And then they had sex. Well, Tom didn't say that, but it was heavily implied. By me. In my mind.
I think that tells you everything that you need to know about James. Also, Kristen has a type. James also doesn't think it is at all troubling that his girlfriend spends an inordinate amount of her time creeping around social media trying to incriminate her ex boyfriend in cheating scandals to break him and his current girlfriend up. That is totally normal and good for a healthy relationship. Maybe they do things differently in jolly ol' England.
I think that tells you everything that you need to know about James. Also, Kristen has a type. James also doesn't think it is at all troubling that his girlfriend spends an inordinate amount of her time creeping around social media trying to incriminate her ex boyfriend in cheating scandals to break him and his current girlfriend up. That is totally normal and good for a healthy relationship. Maybe they do things differently in jolly ol' England.
Kristen has fully embraced her role as this show's villain. She is cool with it. It may mean that this season is her last ala Danielle Staub from the Jersey Housewives, but she is primed to go out with a bang. Those knowing looks that she gives the camera during her interviews. She's going to burn this mother down. Scorched earth, baby! And I for one can't wait to see it. Do you guys remember when Stassi was the villain of the show just because she was a bitch to some people sometimes? Season one, you guys. Simpler times.
Kristen is obsessively trolling the comments on pictures that Tom posts to Instagram looking for what she needs and she finally finds it. Apparently, Tom, Jax and Schwartz (for recap purposes when I say Tom I'm referring to Sandoval and the other will be his last name) were in Miami and they didn't want to show up to a party sans hot chicks, so they invited some to come to the club with them. Yes, this is Tom's real explanation and most people, including Ariana, seem to go along with it. Um... K. Kristen's eating this up. She is dying to tell anyone who will listen. I'm surprised she's not walking around the restaurant rubbing her hands together. She drops some hints about a secret involving Tom to Scheana. No big deal. She knows that Scheana, who needs to be involved and at the center of everything that's going on, will make plans with her to find out.
Oh Scheana. You are ridiculous. You can't be friends with everyone. I mean, Ariana is your best friend. I don't know if you guys knew. Ariana is Scheana's best friend. HER BEST FRIEND. Manically screaming in anyone's face that will stop and show you attention that someone is your best friend doesn't make it so. And if a crazy person was cyber stalking my best friend's boyfriend, I wouldn't go have drinks with her and her smarmy, 12 year old ex pat boyfriend. Just saying. At said drinks/dinner/tea spilling session with James and Kristen, this alleged story just keeps getting more and more horrifying. Bimbo from Miami was on her period when she supposedly hooked up and Tom was like, who cares. Bloody pussy is still pussy. Let's fuck. (I'm paraphrasing.) Scheana is in tears because you know, Scheana and she is all like, "I HAVE TO TELL ARIANA. YOU KNOW SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND!" And Kristen is all, "You do you, boo and James I think you should dye your hair jet black."
Scheana tells Ariana all this, them being best friends and all. Ariana is not bothered. Tom already told her about the bloody bimbo from Florida and everything is solid. Also, Scheana's phone case is a picture of her and Shay. This is just another example of why she is the worst.
Katie is still working at SUR and is still desperately seeking a storyline that doesn't involve her hideous choices in hair dye or her love of tequila. What is she going do to try to generate enough interest to stay on the show? From the coming up on tease for the season, it looks like she is going to try to ruin her relationship with the one decent guy on the show. Fun times.
Jax is Jax. He's dating two women, but openly, so growth? He also gets a nose job because he's vain has as deviated septum. He doesn't get involved in the drama at the party. Is Jax a changed man? Wait, Jax just told one of his girlfriends, Carmen, that he is a liar and a cheater. Never mind.
Lisa is busy getting ready to open her new restaurant/gay bar, PUMP in West Hollywood. She's kind of letting the SUR staff off the leash a little bit. That is never a good decision. She's pissed at Stassi who is back in LA with her new boyfriend after a brief stint in NYC. Stassi is trying to avoid SUR, but after Katie tells her that Lisa is "butthurt" about Stassi just up and leaving she goes to Lisa and falls on her sword. Lisa seems to forgive and let's Stassi know she needs to find a job. Foreshadowing?
So, everyone except Katie and Stassi head to Scheana's birthday bash at Mixology. James and Shay DJ together? Ugh. They are such douchebags. The Miami incident gets brought up. James and Tom start shit talking each other's cars and then punches start getting thrown. Sorry Scheana. Another party for you ruined and marred by violence. Maybe you should take this as a sign.
So are you guys glad that "Vanderpump Rules" is back? Are Instagram fights between people in their late '20's to mid '30's a thing? Because that is my age range and I was unaware of them and I'm an old man. Did you want more Stassi? Is Tequila Katie the only storyline Katie will ever get? Let me know in the comments.
Lisa is busy getting ready to open her new restaurant/gay bar, PUMP in West Hollywood. She's kind of letting the SUR staff off the leash a little bit. That is never a good decision. She's pissed at Stassi who is back in LA with her new boyfriend after a brief stint in NYC. Stassi is trying to avoid SUR, but after Katie tells her that Lisa is "butthurt" about Stassi just up and leaving she goes to Lisa and falls on her sword. Lisa seems to forgive and let's Stassi know she needs to find a job. Foreshadowing?
So, everyone except Katie and Stassi head to Scheana's birthday bash at Mixology. James and Shay DJ together? Ugh. They are such douchebags. The Miami incident gets brought up. James and Tom start shit talking each other's cars and then punches start getting thrown. Sorry Scheana. Another party for you ruined and marred by violence. Maybe you should take this as a sign.
So are you guys glad that "Vanderpump Rules" is back? Are Instagram fights between people in their late '20's to mid '30's a thing? Because that is my age range and I was unaware of them and I'm an old man. Did you want more Stassi? Is Tequila Katie the only storyline Katie will ever get? Let me know in the comments.
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