"Southern Charm," Episode 1: "While the Kat's Away"
Ever since the debut of it's "Real Housewives" franchise in 2006, Bravo has populated it's network landscape with similar shows in different settings. Doctors and their wives feuding or hot young yachties feuding, or in the case of "Southern Charm" worthless rich or rich adjacent people throwing their lives away in Charleston, SC.
"Southern Charm" has become somewhat of a surprise hit for the network by differentiating itself from it's siblings. There is the ongoing Maury Povich style family drama between disgraced former South Carolina treasurer and his child "bride" baby mama, Kathryn Calhoun Dennis. The show also likes to employ flash forwards. A little tease of where this drama is headed to entice viewers into sticking around for the ride. This season does that by showing haggard faced man child Thomas showing up at the door of haggard faced woman child Landon to propose that they make a go of it. How did we get here? Let us embark on the journey to this moment that few people legitimately care about together shall we?
It seems the more things change in Charleston, the more things stay the same. It is still very much en vogue to shade a young mother trying to get help and a twenty something who can't figure out what he wants out of life and has the audacity to lie about taking the bar to get them off his back. I certainly understand why these people feel so superior to Craig. Look at who we are dealing with. A woman in her early thirties who is a realtor (?) and is not not mature enough for a baby, a trust fund living douchebag who thinks early to rise is getting up around 4 PM and has to drive around to every bar in the city to try and find his lost credit card, a 55 year old man who has been to prison and Landon. If these aren't the moral arbiters of our time, I'm not sure who is.
Since not taking the bar, Craig has been living his life like Jesus would: gardening and carpentering. Cameran is maybe the most judgmental of all, but she still wants to be friends with Craig, so she visits him while he is building a deck or a shed or whatever. Cameran is one of those people who frames her judge-y nosiness in faux concern. It's on full display as she bats aside Craig's attempts to keep the conversation on his new hobbies and keeps needling him about his lack of a law career. He finally relents and tells her that he plans to re-take the exam in February. He sticks to this story, no matter how many times Cameran asks him if he is sure he wants to be a lawyer, her voice going up an octave with each ask.
Craig is certainly not perfect. He is a cast member on this show, after all. Craig tries to be Kathryn's friend and champion even though he admits that it's not the easiest thing in the world. She obviously feels that Craig is her friend since she calls him to let him know that she's out of rehab and back in the city, but Craig can't wait to blab to Landon that Kathryn is back even after Kathryn asked him not to say anything. Come on Craig! I'm rooting for you!
Cameran is quick to tell Shep about her conversation with Craig. I'm not sure what Shep's issue with Craig is. Maybe after being the one who was given unsolicited life advice and being looked down on, he's relishing being able to return that to someone. I used to be a big fan of Sheppy's despite my better judgement. Yes, he is an unapologetic womanizer, but he's up front about it. He is charming, but his continuous ragging on Craig is a big turn off. It was also not a great look when he pulled Naomie aside at the pool party to try to discreetly shit talk Craig. Naomie was not falling for it and it was nice to see her demeanor completely change as she realized what Sheppy was up to. Naomie is very savvy and I hope we see a lot more of her this season. Let us also reflect on the extreme irony of Sheppy Rose, of all people, preaching the need for vulnerability in relationships. I'm sure his vulnerability is on full display when he takes a 20 year old home with him.
Sheppy is also responsible for our newest "Southern Charm"-er, Austen. Sheppy likes to call Austen his protege, but Austen fancies himself the new and improved Shep Rose. I'm inclined to agree with him. Austen shows much more game at the bar with Shep when he successfully gets Carly's number prior to Sheppy embarrassing himself by forgetting her name within twenty minutes of meeting her. Austen continues Bravo's longstanding tradition of introducing us to men who honestly believe that 29 is too old to settle down and that a two year relationship is pushing the limits of commitment. What is wrong with these guys? Seriously. I feel bad for women. How do they deal with these tool bags on a regular basis. Of course, Austen is a rep for a local beer company, much to his parents chagrin. I'm still on the fence about Austen, but I appreciate the butt shot.
I suppose we should check in with Ratchet Faced Whitney. Whitney is that guy from high school that graduated but still hangs around and wants to buy you beer and pot except he's rich and is like 55 or 45 or whatever. He tells mom Patricia a charming story about how he and a buddy decided to just get high in Tulum the last time they visited rather than drinking. Patricia launches into a "Reefer Madness" inspired lecture that perfectly segues into her favorite pastime, criticizing Kathryn. How thankful is she that Whitney didn't knock up Kathryn?
Landon is still the worst. After being confronted with the dismal failure on all fronts her life has become, Landon fled Charleston to travel and bang her new 25-year-old boy toy, Drew, who stinks if T. Rav is to be believed, but who would believe him about anything. She also left to avoid the awkwardness that came from admitting she loved Sheppy and the rumors of her alleged/definite affair with T. Rav. I can barely muster up the energy to write about Landon. Everything about her is annoying from her weird affected voice to her face to her attempts at finally being an independent grown up. Her nemesis is Kathryn for God's sake! UGH.
Meanwhile in the Garden of Good and Evil, T. Rav has been granted custody of future therapy patients, Kenzie and Saint, after Kathryn failed a drug test that landed her in a Malibu rehab center. T. Rav has banished the little ones to the guest house with their nanny so he can continue his life long dream of being a part-time Dad with full custody of his kids. T. Rav has bigger fish to fry than mustering up the wherewithal to be a less than mediocre dad. He is playing polo with pool party hostess, Eliza Limehouse, who looks about 16, but has to be over 21, right? However old she is, T. Rav definitely wants to have sex with her. Look at his face when she calls him Grandpa. You know he has an erection stronger than any a little blue pill could provide.
The pool party goes about how you would expect. Landon has awkward interactions with both Sheppy and T. Rav and completely ignores her boy toy, who just looks happy to be there. Whitney shows up and rushes to T. Rav and just like that the Gruesome Twosome is back in business trying to get drunk 18 year olds to take their bikini tops off. Cameran brings her friend Chelsea who Shep is desperate to bone despite Cameran's assertion that she might be the one to tame him. There is mucho conversation about whether or not Kathryn is sober, especially once her cousin Shelby stumbles onto the scene in an ill-fitting bikini and heels she's obviously never worn in her life. Shelby is one of those desperate hangers on who will do anything to be on tv, including but certainly not limited to throwing her cousin under the bus, by implying that she's still on drugs, while casting furtive glances around hoping that Kathryn will show up and prove her right.
Well, the jokes on them, because rather than attend the pool party, Kathryn has headed to take the drug test T. Rav claimed that she was refusing.
So, that's it. What did you guys think? Has anyone softened more on Kathryn? Who's team Craig? Isn't Landon the absolute worst? Why is Whitney still on the show? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
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