Southern Charm Season Four Premiere Recap: Red Scare

"Southern Charm," Episode 1: "While the Kat's Away"

Ever since the debut of it's "Real Housewives" franchise in 2006, Bravo has populated it's network landscape with similar shows in different settings. Doctors and their wives feuding or hot young yachties feuding, or in the case of "Southern Charm" worthless rich or rich adjacent people throwing their lives away in Charleston, SC. 

"Southern Charm" has become somewhat of a surprise hit for the network by differentiating itself from it's siblings. There is the ongoing Maury Povich style family drama between disgraced former South Carolina treasurer and his child "bride" baby mama, Kathryn Calhoun Dennis. The show also likes to employ flash forwards. A little tease of where this drama is headed to entice viewers into sticking around for the ride. This season does that by showing haggard faced man child Thomas showing up at the door of haggard faced woman child Landon to propose that they make a go of it. How did we get here? Let us embark on the journey to this moment that few people legitimately care about together shall we?

The Real Housewives of Potomac Season Two Premiere Recap: I Am Cha Cha Fierce?

"The Real Housewives of Potomac": Episode 1: "Don't Let the Zip Code Fool Ya"

The first season of "The Real Housewives of Potomac" was a hit for Bravo last year, but it left some devotees of the various iterations of the franchise scratching their heads. This is the second installment to feature an entirely African American cast, but these ladies were decidedly different from the women of the ATL. No one was cashing Trump checks, it didn't seem like anyone was looking to record a one-hit wonder and there was a nary a Big Poppa in sight. The Potomac women were more into etiquette and birthday seating and pressuring man children into marriages they didn't want. The ladies seemed to pick up the pace and were hitting a groove when they sat down for Gizelle's "Come to Jesus" lunch. You remember. The one where self proclaimed grand dame Karen told spring chicken Ashley  that she should allow her husband to ejaculate inside her to become pregnant rather than continue with the "pull-out method." 

Season Two opens a little slowly with a lot of catch up and fall out from the ladies first reunion, but once Gizelle and Charrisse had their alleyway tete a tete, it was clear these women had thrown the etiquette book out the window. Let's rewind and take a look at how we got there by checking with each lady from least to most interesting.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Seventh Season Premiere Recap: I Wasn't The Guy On The Corner Selling Cocaine

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1: "Bye Bye and Bon Voyage"

I'm going to need Housewives and their spouses to stop doing illegal things.  It's sucking all the fun out of a show that should just be about overprivileged people doing ridiculous things.  But, if you are going to do illegal things and then choose to film the show to discuss said illegal things, I'm going to need you to at least own up to what you've done and take some responsibility.  Look at the Giudices over on RHONJ.  Even after they have been sentenced to prison time, when someone asks them about what happened, they act befuddled.  They act like they have no idea how this happened to them, even after they have made public statements apologizing for what happened in court.  Do they not realize that the public has access to these things?  That a courtroom is not a black hole where everything that happens in it just fails to exist.

The quote the blog title comes from is something Apollo says in his one on one interviews with the producers.  What bothers me is that Apollo is trying to make excuses for what he's done.  Oh, I didn't rape anyone or I wasn't the guy dealing drugs to the kids on the corner.  So?  You just stole millions of dollars from people, lied to your wife and let your kids down.  No big deal, right, Apollo?  It could be worse.  It got on my nerves that other Housewives and their significant others were trying to make excuses for Apollo.  I think Kandi is right that the judicial system comes down harder on black men a majority of the time, but I don't think that is what is going on in this case.  If the judge came down hard on Apollo, I think it had more to do with his "fame," rather than his race.

Vanderpump Rules Third Season Premiere Recap: I Can't Cry Because These Eyelashes Are Mink

Vanderpump Rules, Episode 1: "Instafight"

Welcome back, "Vanderpump Rules" fans!  The worst servers in America are back to have sex with each other, fight and make you wonder if Lisa Vanderpump regrets agreeing to do this spin-off, seeing as how BRAVO now controls who gets hired and who gets fired at SUR.  The third season premiere had everything we'd come to expect from this show.  Tom Sandoval wearing women's clothes, Kristen being awful, Scheana being annoying and Jax shirtless.  First thing.  Yes, the first shot of season 3 is Jax working out shirtless in really loose fitting sweat pants.  God bless you, Andy Cohen.  I may buy your book.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Who Wants to Geocache?

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 16: "Go Yell It on the Mountain"

Why, Kristen?  Why did you decide that going to Montana was a good idea?   You obviously hate everything about it, even though you are trying hard to convince yourself that you don't.  This bringing out a bad side of you.  You are being uber competitive with Heather and it just isn't a good look.  There is nothing wrong with not rappelling or admitting that geocaching is stupid.  It's fine.  So, this vacation is a bust.  You will plan other trips.  I just want to hold you, pat your hair, and tell you everything is going to be ok.  Maybe had someone done that this whole episode would have been totally different.  Who knows.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Tequila Makes Shannon Have a Meltdown

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 11: "Making Woo-Hoo-Py"

This episode was as boring as Lizzie.  Seriously.  What is Lizzie's storyline this season?  She wants to be a wife, mother and a businesswoman, but Christian wants her to just pump out babies?  Which she wants to?  Who cares?  It's just not very exciting and whenever Lizzie comes onscreen, my eyes just sort of glaze over.  I can appreciate that Heather is trying to cultivate a relationship with her, but if Lizzie wants to be more than a one season wonder she needs to get her shit together and bring something to the table.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: First Reponsers

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 4: "A Hairy Situation"

This is one of those Housewives episodes that is all about the last ten minutes.  You know that something crazy is going to happen.  You've seen it in the previews.  You know that you are going to have to spend the majority of the episode dealing with the build up.  You just hope that it is worth it. We're not sure how these new ladies are going to handle drama and their very first party.  Amber and the twins, with a little nudge from Melissa, throw down and Bobby's party to "raise awareness for first responders" goes straight to hell.  Seriously, though.  I'm pretty sure that people are aware of first responders and what they do.  It just makes it seem like Bobby doesn't want to do anything for charity and everyone else is cheap.  Which is probably true.