The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: No Sex in Charrisse's Champagne Room

"The Real Housewives of Potomac," Episode 3: "Hold Your Horses"

I love Monique. I rarely have a strong, positive reaction to a new Housewife. I'm a hardcore Erika Jayne fan now, but her first couple episodes were rough for me. Her first season tag line didn't help. Monique is different. She just seems cool and genuine and her arc tonight with her mother-in-law is super relatable, which helps. I love how she won't back down from Gizelle's ridiculous hazing. She's holding her own. The one black mark against her is her friendship with Charrisse, but I'm trying not to hold that against her.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Sonja Morgan's Home for Wayward Girls

"The Real Housewives of New York City," Episode 2: "It Girl, Interrupted"

I'm not sure Bethenny knows what a sexy Halloween costume is. That's not a read. I love her "Josie and the Pussycats" style cat costume, but when she comments to Carole that her vagina is hanging out, I'm wondering if she is looking at the same costume we are. I'm also thinking that Bethenny should go back to her long hair. I love how she looks in that wig. Let The Countess Mrs. D'Agostino rock the short look. There's more to this episode than just Bethenny's Halloween costume, unfortunately, a lot of it has to do with new cast member, Tinsley Mortimer, who is super boring, unless you care about mugshots and what makes a socialite. If you, like me, don't really care so much about that, this episode doesn't have much for you. Let's dive in anyway.

Southern Charm Recap: Roam If You Want To

"Southern Charm," Episode 2: "Roamin' Around"

What is the worst thing that can happen to a "Southern Charm" fan like myself? An episode built around Landon's "business." Seriously. After it being talked about most of the episode and the focus of a lot of the episode, along with her party, I still couldn't tell you what it does or what it's for. I also don't care to go look it up. That's right. It doesn't even warrant a Google search. Sorry Landon. Sorry Roam and sorry especially to Landon's business partner, Anna. So, what else happened besides Landon's doomed to fail app? Let's jump right in.

The Real Housewives of Potomac Recap: Friendly Hazing

"The Real Housewives of Potomac," Episode 2: "All Tea, All Shade"

The ladies of Potomac tried to get back to their etiquette roots this episode to mixed results. We also saw the return of original Potomac Housewife, Katie Rost, as her long talked about casino royale night came to fruition. We were also introduced to her replacement, the fabulous, Monique Samuels. Let's break it down.

The Real Housewives of New York City Season Nine Premiere Recap: Down the Rabbit Hole

"The Real Housewives of New York City," Episode 1: "Talk of the Town"

It may be springtime in the city, but on "The Real Housewives of New York City" fall is in full swing. As is the most contentious election in American history and if you think the ladies of the Big Apple are unaffected, you are wrong. It's not a great sign that some of the premiere's main tension revolves around Carole's obsession with the election and Bethenny's comical attempts to avoid it. The rest comes from carryover issues from the previous season. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes the episode move a little slower than most Housewives premieres and while entertaining it doesn't quite measure up the to the high marks of last season.

Southern Charm Season Four Premiere Recap: Red Scare

"Southern Charm," Episode 1: "While the Kat's Away"

Ever since the debut of it's "Real Housewives" franchise in 2006, Bravo has populated it's network landscape with similar shows in different settings. Doctors and their wives feuding or hot young yachties feuding, or in the case of "Southern Charm" worthless rich or rich adjacent people throwing their lives away in Charleston, SC. 

"Southern Charm" has become somewhat of a surprise hit for the network by differentiating itself from it's siblings. There is the ongoing Maury Povich style family drama between disgraced former South Carolina treasurer and his child "bride" baby mama, Kathryn Calhoun Dennis. The show also likes to employ flash forwards. A little tease of where this drama is headed to entice viewers into sticking around for the ride. This season does that by showing haggard faced man child Thomas showing up at the door of haggard faced woman child Landon to propose that they make a go of it. How did we get here? Let us embark on the journey to this moment that few people legitimately care about together shall we?

The Real Housewives of Potomac Season Two Premiere Recap: I Am Cha Cha Fierce?

"The Real Housewives of Potomac": Episode 1: "Don't Let the Zip Code Fool Ya"

The first season of "The Real Housewives of Potomac" was a hit for Bravo last year, but it left some devotees of the various iterations of the franchise scratching their heads. This is the second installment to feature an entirely African American cast, but these ladies were decidedly different from the women of the ATL. No one was cashing Trump checks, it didn't seem like anyone was looking to record a one-hit wonder and there was a nary a Big Poppa in sight. The Potomac women were more into etiquette and birthday seating and pressuring man children into marriages they didn't want. The ladies seemed to pick up the pace and were hitting a groove when they sat down for Gizelle's "Come to Jesus" lunch. You remember. The one where self proclaimed grand dame Karen told spring chicken Ashley  that she should allow her husband to ejaculate inside her to become pregnant rather than continue with the "pull-out method." 

Season Two opens a little slowly with a lot of catch up and fall out from the ladies first reunion, but once Gizelle and Charrisse had their alleyway tete a tete, it was clear these women had thrown the etiquette book out the window. Let's rewind and take a look at how we got there by checking with each lady from least to most interesting.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Seventh Season Premiere Recap: I Wasn't The Guy On The Corner Selling Cocaine

The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1: "Bye Bye and Bon Voyage"

I'm going to need Housewives and their spouses to stop doing illegal things.  It's sucking all the fun out of a show that should just be about overprivileged people doing ridiculous things.  But, if you are going to do illegal things and then choose to film the show to discuss said illegal things, I'm going to need you to at least own up to what you've done and take some responsibility.  Look at the Giudices over on RHONJ.  Even after they have been sentenced to prison time, when someone asks them about what happened, they act befuddled.  They act like they have no idea how this happened to them, even after they have made public statements apologizing for what happened in court.  Do they not realize that the public has access to these things?  That a courtroom is not a black hole where everything that happens in it just fails to exist.

The quote the blog title comes from is something Apollo says in his one on one interviews with the producers.  What bothers me is that Apollo is trying to make excuses for what he's done.  Oh, I didn't rape anyone or I wasn't the guy dealing drugs to the kids on the corner.  So?  You just stole millions of dollars from people, lied to your wife and let your kids down.  No big deal, right, Apollo?  It could be worse.  It got on my nerves that other Housewives and their significant others were trying to make excuses for Apollo.  I think Kandi is right that the judicial system comes down harder on black men a majority of the time, but I don't think that is what is going on in this case.  If the judge came down hard on Apollo, I think it had more to do with his "fame," rather than his race.

Vanderpump Rules Third Season Premiere Recap: I Can't Cry Because These Eyelashes Are Mink

Vanderpump Rules, Episode 1: "Instafight"

Welcome back, "Vanderpump Rules" fans!  The worst servers in America are back to have sex with each other, fight and make you wonder if Lisa Vanderpump regrets agreeing to do this spin-off, seeing as how BRAVO now controls who gets hired and who gets fired at SUR.  The third season premiere had everything we'd come to expect from this show.  Tom Sandoval wearing women's clothes, Kristen being awful, Scheana being annoying and Jax shirtless.  First thing.  Yes, the first shot of season 3 is Jax working out shirtless in really loose fitting sweat pants.  God bless you, Andy Cohen.  I may buy your book.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Who Wants to Geocache?

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 16: "Go Yell It on the Mountain"

Why, Kristen?  Why did you decide that going to Montana was a good idea?   You obviously hate everything about it, even though you are trying hard to convince yourself that you don't.  This bringing out a bad side of you.  You are being uber competitive with Heather and it just isn't a good look.  There is nothing wrong with not rappelling or admitting that geocaching is stupid.  It's fine.  So, this vacation is a bust.  You will plan other trips.  I just want to hold you, pat your hair, and tell you everything is going to be ok.  Maybe had someone done that this whole episode would have been totally different.  Who knows.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Tequila Makes Shannon Have a Meltdown

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 11: "Making Woo-Hoo-Py"

This episode was as boring as Lizzie.  Seriously.  What is Lizzie's storyline this season?  She wants to be a wife, mother and a businesswoman, but Christian wants her to just pump out babies?  Which she wants to?  Who cares?  It's just not very exciting and whenever Lizzie comes onscreen, my eyes just sort of glaze over.  I can appreciate that Heather is trying to cultivate a relationship with her, but if Lizzie wants to be more than a one season wonder she needs to get her shit together and bring something to the table.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: First Reponsers

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 4: "A Hairy Situation"

This is one of those Housewives episodes that is all about the last ten minutes.  You know that something crazy is going to happen.  You've seen it in the previews.  You know that you are going to have to spend the majority of the episode dealing with the build up.  You just hope that it is worth it. We're not sure how these new ladies are going to handle drama and their very first party.  Amber and the twins, with a little nudge from Melissa, throw down and Bobby's party to "raise awareness for first responders" goes straight to hell.  Seriously, though.  I'm pretty sure that people are aware of first responders and what they do.  It just makes it seem like Bobby doesn't want to do anything for charity and everyone else is cheap.  Which is probably true.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: #RHONY Goes West

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 15: "Ten Gallon Spats"

When I was watching this episode, I had one question and it isn't the question that you would think.  It wasn't, why is Aviva faking asthma?  Why are they going to Montana in the first place?  Was this really Kristen's idea?  All of these are valid questions that deserve answering, but my main question was, do women really go and get waxed together.  I see that and I'm shocked.  When you go to get a bikini wax,  you are at your most vulnerable.  Do you really want to be that exposed in front of another person, no matter how close a friend you are?  And really, I guess I could understand it if it was someone you knew for years, but Carole and Heather barely know each other.  Wasn't there a better way for them to casually bring up Kristen's planned trip to Montana?  I guess not.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Somebody Told Me...

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 10: "Skunk in the Barnyard"

You may think that Shannon Beador has gone through all the rites of passage that freshmen Housewives face.  Feud with a fellow Housewife after you thought they'd be best of friends?  Check. Marriage crumbling before our eyes?  Check.  But for an Orange County Housewife you aren't officially a part of the crew until you confide in Tamra and she blabs to anyone who will listen.  And I get that this is all on camera and eventually everyone is going to find out something if you choose to share it with someone on camera, but that doesn't give Tamra the OK to share something so deeply personal with anyone.  So, I know it's been 10 episodes, but officially welcome to the Housewives Shannon.  Hope you (and your marriage) survive the experience.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Garbage Business

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 3: "Trash Talking"

Joe Gorga is trying to kill his wife.  How else to explain the fact that he would go behind Melissa's back and buy into some futuristic garbage truck thing.  The amount of the money that he has invested in this truck thing is not known to Melissa, but it's definitely going to impact the building of their new house. Sorry Melissa.  It looks like you'll be in your "small" rental for a while longer.  Seriously, though.  Melissa loves money.  We all know this.  I'm not sure what this truck thing does for sure.  It's not a traditional garbage truck.  Apparently, it's some sort of high tech shred truck.  They get government contracts and take these documents and rather than shred them, they incinerate them down to ash. Joe seems confident about the money making prospects of this, but I'm not completely sold.  Let's all take a minute to reflect that now that her feud with Teresa is resolved, her biggest storyline revolves around trash.  Fitting.  Thank goodness for Amber and her big mouth.  More on that in a bit.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Lies My Facialist Told Me

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 14: "Sex, Lies and Facials"

This episode finally answered the age old question that all NYC Housewives fans have been asking for two years.  Whatever happened to season(s) 2-4 cast member Kelly Killoren Bensimon.  It turns out that she is basically the same person.  She is still kind of a nut ball.  I guess she is still friend with Lu since Lu invited her to be a special guest model at her charity fashion show.  Carole seemed to enjoy Kelly, but that isn't a huge surprise.  Carole is sort of this cultural anthropologist and I think she really digs talking to Kelly, who used to be a part of this experience and now isn't, but is sort of a sister, in a weird way.  Maybe I'm being too deep about the whole thing.  Ramona just looks annoyed and steers clear of her former cast mate.  Maybe she is having flashbacks to scary island.  I kind of am.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Our Next Guest...

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 9: "Not a Good Day L.A."

You guys, we need to talk about Lizzie.  Seriously.  Sometimes I forget that she is even a part of the show. What did she do this episode?  Judge some random beauty pageant?  Talks about how she wants to have a another baby, but doesn't want to give up her career?  I'm asking because I took notes and I still don't remember.  Compelling stuff!  To be fair, I like Lizzie.  She's fun, she's pretty, she's smart.  Her husband has edged out Mauricio and Eddie for hottest Housewife spouse, but if she doesn't do something to make herself stand out and fast, she'll be a one season wonder.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Password Is Crotch

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 2: "O, Christmas Tre"

Who wants to be a member of the Marchese family?  Seriously.  Their kids are going to grow up to be seriously messed up.  It's Christmas time in Jersey, but it's not all fun and games.  Disasters happen and the Marchese's want their kids to be ready for anything.  And what better way to prepare them then with the fire drill that launched a thousand future therapy sessions.  How else to explain all this craziness?  A collapsible ladder out the window, Jim demonstrating how "safe" it is.  To be fair, when Jim was dangling out the window there was a look that flashed over Amber's face that said, maybe we are taking this too far. Amber did say she used to hate kids and I'm thinking maybe she still does.  Maybe  that helps explain why she didn't stop the craziness, like when she was blowing the air horn and telling the little ones that they have killed the dog and now mommy and daddy have burned to a crisp.  Merry Christmas, Marchese children.  There won't be sugar plums dancing in your head on Christmas Eve, instead it will be the charred corpses of your parents dancing while you cry.

The Real Housewives of New York City Recap: Off to the Races

The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 13: "Win, Place or Sonja"

Shortly after this episode aired, I really railed against George.  He's an old pervert who gets away with his ridiculous behavior because of his age.  I mean, I detest Ramona most of the time, but does she deserve to be talked to that way?  Does she deserve to have someone say that if she died he would go to her funeral and fondle her corpse?  And why isn't Aviva doing anything about this?  If Aviva wants to be buddy buddy with Ramona, why is she allowing her father to treat her "friends" this way?  We'll get into that more later.  

When I was on a Housewives fansite (don't judge me!) railing against George's uncouth behavior, a commenter brought up Sad Sonja, who was especially sad this episode, again, more on that later.  Sonja has dated a 23 year old this season and we have seen her hit on multiple barely legal boys, but no one seems to be batting an eyelash.  People laugh it off.  Sonja's crazy.  It's who she is.  Granted, she's not flashing her vagina or rubbing it against people's legs, but she should be absolved.  Is she just as much of a perv as George, but she gets a pass?

Personally, I think Sonja is not as bad as George.  She is ridiculous, but relatively harmless.  George is touching women with his hands and other... things.  Not cool.  And there is no excuse.  Just because he is over 80 doesn't mean that he should be exempt from common decency.

The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: With Friends Like These...

The Real Housewives of Orange County, Episode 8: "Not So Silent Night'

Viewer's don't seem to care for Tamra Judge.  I have been a fan.  She definitely stirs the pot and causes drama and is ridiculous, but isn't that what people want in a Housewife?  Isn't it boring if you just sit there and do nothing?  (Hello, Lizzie!  I didn't see you there.)  This season though, Tamra is getting on my nerves.  You'd think, when a friend does something nice for you, like invite you on the show they are guest hosting to promote your business, wouldn't you be grateful?  Not Tamra.  When Vicki Gunvalson becomes the voice of reason in a situation, then  you know there is a problem.  So let's take a look at what all went down at Shannon's not so happy holiday party.