The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Episode 1: "Bye Bye With the Wind"
The Southern Belles of the ATL are back with season 6 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. It looks like this may be the craziest season of them all. Last year, we had gone with the wind fabulous, ashy and fans. It looks like this season we'll have evictions, brawls, and offers of fellatio through text message. Oh my. So, where are the ladies now? After the jump, I'll break it down Housewife by Housewife.
Cynthia: The producers think they are so slick. We are led to believe that The Bailey Agency is closing it doors. Could it be due to "coochie crack"-gate from last season. It's all very dramatic. The giant picture of Cynthia is taken down. Her multiple male assistants are thanking her for being such an awesome boss. Peter walks in, all jovial and that's when you know that something is up. Peter is a dick, but he really be that happy if his wife's business was shutting down. Nope. It turns out that Peter bought the building across the street from BarOne and The Bailey Agency is moving there. Cynthia is a little peeved that Peter bought this without telling her. No big deal, Cyn. Right? What else did Cynthia do? Um... thinking, thinking. She did throw the party where the majority of the episodes dramz took place. That has to count for something, doesn't it?
Phaedra: The donkey bootied Southern Belle has a full plate. She has a newborn that she is taking care of by herself since Apollo is worthless. They are renovating their new house. She is still a lawyer and is still in mortuary school. Let's talk about how adorable Phaedra's babies are. Ayden is still killing it with cuteness and now we have Dylan aka "Mr. President." Phaedra was full of one liners. The video of her doped up and making sure Mr. President had all his fingers, toes, and dingaling was great. I loved how she said he was as white as Michael Jackson. I know she'll probably get crap for the Hebrew slave joke, but come on. Lighten up, America. Also, calling Kenya a beauty queen on bath salts. Seriously, Phaedra. If your plate isn't full enough, you should try your hand at stand up.
Kandi: So, you thought that Kandi and Todd would just walk away into the sunset and live happily ever after? Not so fast. It seems things aren't going very well for the newly engaged couple. Mama Joyce is not happy with Todd. I feel like I have seen this movie before. Didn't Mama Joyce hate A.J. before he killed himself? Did I just go too dark? Kandi is doing her best to refute the sugar mama rumors, but it doesn't help that Todd doesn't seem to have a steady job at the moment. Talk turns to Porsha and Kordell's divorce and Todd seems to infer that the ladies played a part in the marriage dissolution. Come on, Todd. Come. On.
Porsha: Speaking of Porsha, shit has gone down since last season. Real talk, I was not a huge fan of Porsha last season. The youngest Housewife just grated on my nerves. She seemed fake and it was hard for me to care about her. D-I-V-O-R-C-E looks good on Porsha. I actually felt sorry for her. Bombs were dropped left and right about the Stewart's unhappy marriage. Porsha learned that Kordell had filed on Twitter. Here's a tip. You shouldn't break up with someone using a Post-It and you definitely shouldn't tweet about your divorce until you have told the person that you are divorcing. Just saying. Porsha meets up with her attorney and, bless her heart, she is willing to try to work it out with Kordell. She has a list of things he could do and if he's willing to do them then they can just forget this messy divorce business. I'll give you three guesses on how that goes. Kordell is not pleased. After her deposition, Porsha commiserates with her mom and sister and drops some bombs. Porsha had a miscarriage. BOOM! Kordell only visited her in the hospital once during the week she was there. BOOM! Porsha infers that Kordell likes the dick. BOOM! This last bomb causes Kordell to release a rambling, incoherent statement affirming his heterosexuality that Andy Cohen read on Watch What Happens Live. It convinces no one.
Nene: The current, newly minted Mrs. Leakes is enjoying being a newlywed again. I'm celebrating because I never have to hear her say the word "bridemaids" again. I love you, Nene, but that was killing me. The Leakes' are going through Nene's -- er, their-- wedding gifts. Of course they are for both of them. Is Nene saying mine and not ours? Well, come on, Gregg, you know what she means. Nene has become friends with Porsha now that she is a soon to be single lady. It's not a shock that Nene would buddy up to the youngest Housewife. She can now mold her in her image and I'm 100% OK with that. Kenya is upset with Nene because she invited Walter her boyfriend/actor she hired to be her boyfriend. Nene don't care. It was her wedding, she'll invite who she wants. Kenya was the only Housewife who didn't attend Nene's wedding. I mean, even Kim came. Come on, Kenya.
Kenya: The twirling diva is back and refreshed from a trip to Africa? She shows up at the Bailey Agency thinking that everyone is BFF's. Is Kenya delusional? Seriously, she just walks right in. No big deal. Kenya's here! Cynthia tries to remind her of what happened last year, she blows it off. She is getting evicted by her crazy land lord! No one called her to check up on her?! What bad friends. I thought Nene put it best when she said that the famous actress surely couldn't be evicted. Kenya shows up to Cynthia's party doing her best Wendy Williams (How you doin'?) and begins making her rounds. Phaedra exits stage left, but Porsha doesn't get away soon enough, so she is subjected to Kenya's faux sympathy. When Nene shows up, Kenya decides to confront her about being a bad friend. Nene is not having it. It's her wedding, she likes Walter, Walter didn't do anything to her, get over it. Kenya wants to come for Nene so she won't let it go. She brings up Porsha and Kordell. Nene makes the point that Porsha had a plus one, so if she wanted to bring Kordell she could have. Nene is over the convo, so she loudly announces she has to pee and heads out. Kenya follows. She will not be DISMISSED! She even grabs Nene's ear. Oh no. I'm not sure why these new girls try to come for the established ladies. It's happening here and it's going to happen in Beverly Hills. Don't they realize that they are fighting a losing battle? Nene threatens to pee on Kenya's leg. Gregg finally steps in and leaves Kenya shouting down the hallway to a disinterested Mrs. Leakes.
So, what did you guys think? Are you glad that the ladies of Atlanta are back? Does this look like the craziest season yet? Let me know in the comments.
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