The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 3: "Booby Trapped"
Oh, Adriana. If there was an award for Best Actress in a Reality Series, you would be the front runner and that is saying something. You might be fooling Frederic and Marysol, even Alexia, but we can see right through you. We know what went down at your meeting with Lea and we know that whatever happened, your version of events is unrecognizable from what really went down. This will all come back to bite her and I'm excited to watch the reunion because I have a feeling it is going to be the unraveling of Adriana. She won't be able to just sit back and say nothing like she did last year, especially since the majority of the drama so far has centered around her.
We rejoin the Lea/Adriana bout already in progress. Adriana is outside getting rained on, calling for a cab. Lea really comes out looking the best here. I think Lea is all talk. She wants to have people believe that she doesn't care and that she is over Adriana, but there is genuine concern there when she tries to convince Adriana to come out of the rain. I feel like if Adriana had apologized or made overtures to Lea to continue their friendship, it would have happened. Unfortunately, Adriana continued her tour de force performance. She did have a flicker of genuineness when she apologized to Lea for not sticking up for her against Ana at last year's reunion, but that was short lived as she once again brought up Lea taking Joanna's side when it came to the slap heard 'round Florida last season. Lea, again, tried to explain that she didn't condone the smacking and that doesn't mean that she took anyone's side. Lea gets down to brass tacks and asks Adriana why she is so jealous of Joanna. Of course Adriana denies it, but it's totally true. Adriana takes off and that seems to be the nail in the coffin of this friendship.
Joanna and Romain have moved on from their prenup drama and have moved on to their lack of sex drama. They find an appropriate time to discuss their lack of lovemaking, during a tennis match. I mean, it's totally cool to talk during a tennis match, right? I don't know much about tennis, but I assume that's cool. It's not Joanna's fault the sound of women grunting and balls smacking was getting her all hot and bothered. Romain uttered some lame excuses, including the term "change the sauce?" Apparently, that is his way of saying that things are boring. Joanna begs to differ because she is down to do it whenever and wherever. She'll go out on the court, lay down and have Romain bang her right there while Maria Sharapova plays tennis over them. Or maybe they can just go to a sex therapist.
Adriana tells Frederic her version of what went down with Lea, which includes claims that Lea said she paid for all of Alex's school, that Lea called her a charity case, and finall that Lea broke her umbrella and shoved her out in the rain, while she cackled with Freyda and pointed and laughed while Adriana was blinded by the copious amounts of mascara that was dripping into her eyes. Frederic was incensed! He's not afraid of Lea Black and to show it he is going to send her a text threatening her. That Frederic, what a guy.
Alexia continues to enable her son's horrific behavior. What do you do when your terrible son beats a homeless guy in the nads and films it? You build him a home recording studio, of course. Duh. That'll teach him that starting a him vs homeless guys fight club is wrong. Then we are treated, I'm not sure if that is the right word, to Peter's song that he wrote when Frankie was in the hospital. Alexia claims that it brought the doctors and nurses to tears, but I'm unconvinced. In fact, I was rolling my eyes so hard that I'm pretty sure I went temporarily blind. I mean, I must have an ice cold heart since a kid lamely rapping about drugs and bitches and swag didn't get me teary eyed. Alexia knows that Peter needs help so she seeks out advice from her mom, Dr. Nancy. I think that the producers are trying to turn Nancy into the new Mama Elsa and let me tell you, no. Just no. She kind of looks like the blob that Bill Pullman gets turned into in the movie "Weird Science" and she seems like a terrible psychiatrist. Alexia continues to make excucses for Peter, even as she seeks help for him. It's because fo Frankie's accident, it's because his dad was a drug trafficker. She wants Nancy to be Peter's psychiatrist, which I think is healthy. Right? My grandma, my shrink.
Alexia made up for her lame scenes last episode this week, didn't she? Not only were we treated to her horrible parenting skillz, we saw her have a meeting of the minds with Lea. The whole thing was super contrived. Alexia accused Lea of shit talking Peter, Lea denied it, Alexia wasn't buying it, but said she did. I couldn't tell you what the status of their "friendship" was after that lunch.
Lisa is desperately trying to convince us that she is soo busy, and we know that it's bullshit. She is making plans to ambush Lea and try to force her and Adriana to work things out. I'm sure that will work. Lisa is still trying to get pregnant with no success. Every time Lenny brings up them possibly using a surrogate, she freaks out and shuts down. She also refers to herself as a young girl. Listen, sweetie, you are 30, it's not an old maid, but you still aren't a young girl, no matter how many procedures you get done. I know that infertility sucks and it's hard to accept that you won't have a child the natural way, but the bottom line is, if you really want to have a child, you do it. It's about what kind of a mother you are, not how you have the baby.
Mama Elsa Update: She coded but the doctors were able to revive her and she was perfectly fine after. It was rough for Marysol, who was convinced that Elsa was going to die. I really felt for Marysol here, but it was kind of tough to take her seriously with those round Lady GaGa style sunglasses she had on.
It's finally time for Lisa to put her plan into action. It fails spectacularly, as we all knew it would. As soon as Alexia, Marysol and Adriana make their appearance Lea excuses herself. She doesn't go far, just outside to cry and to text Joanna, who along with Lisa, meets the Mayor outside. Lea has had it with this Adriana nonsense, so to prove that two wrongs make a right, Lea got some evidence from the courthouse and we all know that every Real Housewife loves them some evidence. It turns out that Adriana got her marriage license at the beginning of November 2008, but got it notarized in December. So, for all intents and purposes Adriana was married to Frederic, whether she believed she was or not. All the while, she was claiming to be single and Lea was setting her up on dates. Lisa's tiny mind is blown by this, but she needs to verify it. I can only imagine this entails Lisa staring at her computer for a few hours trying to figure out how Google works. When she can't, she just takes Lea's word for it.
So, what think you all? Does it matter that Adriana was legally married? Can this get any more convulted? Who's side are you on? Does Adriana deserve that Oscar? Let me know in the comments.
