The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 4: "Black Magic"
Since the ladies in Miami are relatively new to the scene, there are still a lot of things we don't know about them. I mean, we know quite a bit. We know Lea likes to be loud, Marysol loves her mama and her cockies, Alexia loves her boys, Adriana is all about the drama, Joanna is all about the cock and Lisa is... um... she... wants a baby... and... is... busy? Well, we know a lot about most of them. The ladies are still capable of surprising us though. Hit the jump for some of the new things we learned in this episode.
Marysol's psychic watches the show! We were introduced to Marysol's psychic Cari, who reads cards and gets messages from the beyond. Alexia came over to watch, I guess, but she sat across the room. Apparently, Al has mucho psychic mojo that she can barely contain, and she doesn't want it to adversely affect Marysol's reading. Al needn't have worried. Marysol's main question is about Mama Elsa's health. Cari reveals that someone is wishing Mama Elsa ill. She's blonde. Around fifty. Doing black magic. Hmmm... does that sound suspiciously like a grating, gala thrower we know? And wouldn't you know it, Lea has yet to visit Mama Elsa in the hospital. Man, Cari is amazing. What a display of psychic prowess. Or, it could be that SHE WATCHES THE SHOW!! Jesus. Seriously, Cari, the next time you are trying to scam someone, be more vague. It's much more believable. I half expected you to rattle off Lea's home address.
Alexia is Editor-In-Chief of Venue!? So, yeah. Alexia is EiC of Venue magazine. Did we know this before? I knew that Herman, her husband, owned the magazine and that she worked there, but I don't think I knew that. Man, being married to the owner has it's perks. Maybe that's what I need to do. I have a journalism degree. All I need to do now is find a magazine owner and I'm all set. We got a chance to see Alexia hard at work. Approving stories? No. Working on the layout? No. Planning a party? Ah yes, the editors most important job. That and giving away free ad space for party props. Well done, Alexia. Well done.
Lea is BFF's with Lance Bass! We know that Lea loves to name drop, but typically it's just all the "celebrities" that she lines up to attend her annual gala. It turns out that Lea is "real friends" with Lance Bass AKA the gay one from *NSYNC. Also, Lance Bass has a raido show. Seriously? Is it that easy? I mean, come on, first Slade from the OC, now this. I'm a little bitter. This episode was light on Lea. She met with Fabio & Hernan, the gays she pays to be her besties. I'm not sure Lisa really got that, but what can you do? She also got on her knees to get Alexia and Herman to come to her gala. Thank God that Ana wasn't there to see that. Also, what was up with Lea's right eye during her interviews when she was wearing that maroon top? It looked like it was red. Could the Lady Black have a burst blood vessel or a sty? How everyday of her to deign to go on camera not looking her best.
Lisa wants to be pounded like a chicken cutlet every once in a while. And the person doing the pounding would be Lenny. Let that picture percolate in your noggin for a while. I'll give you a few minutes to vomit or violently shudder, perhaps both. Are you back? Good. It sounds like Joanna isn't the only Miami Housewife who is going through a dry spell. Things haven't been as hot and heavy between the Hochsteins as Lisa would like. It's Adriana to the rescue! She gives Lisa a used -- ew-- naughty nurse costume that put the spark back in her and Frederic's waning sex life. It must have worked bcause the next time we see Lisa and Lenny they are enjoying a bubble bath. I'm assuming it led to sex, while at the same time working really hard not to picture it.
Joanna is the man in her relationship. And, shockingly, Romain is not cool with being referred to as the woman. This was the shocking revelation made by Joanna's sex therapist when she visited her sans fiancée. Why was Romain absent? It seems Marta was sending some texts accusing Romain of cheating yet again and it pissed him off. I will say that Joanna is in a bit of pickle here. She needs to make Romain and Marta work things out between themselves and stay out of it. It looks like she gives Marta a pass. Not cool, Jo. We did get a glimpse of Romain and Joanna's new digs. It wasn't much to look at from the outside, but that backyard. Damn. I want a couch on a deck that overlooks the water. Can someone get on that, please?
Adriana speaks lousy French... according to Romain. Ms. I-Speak-Five-Languages' French is shoddy? This episode was Adriana-lite compared to the others. During her meeting with Lisa, Adriana once again recounted her marriage but no wedding story after Lisa whips out the paperwork she got from Lea. Seriously, I never want to hear this story again. Adriana does ask Lisa to be her bridesmaid and that evil glint that she gets in her eye tells us the only reason that she did it is to piss off Joanna. It really goes down at Alexia's Venue party when Frederic attempts to say hello to Romain. I'm not sure what the whole beef was about because I really don't care. I heard something about a car wash and a tweet and then Adriana ran up and started to shriek about a Colombian Romain was fucking. It was all really ridiculous and ended with Adriana and Freddy leaving the party early.
So, what did you guys think? Were you surprised by the things we learned? Was there something you learned that I didn't mention? Share in the comments.
Marysol's psychic watches the show! We were introduced to Marysol's psychic Cari, who reads cards and gets messages from the beyond. Alexia came over to watch, I guess, but she sat across the room. Apparently, Al has mucho psychic mojo that she can barely contain, and she doesn't want it to adversely affect Marysol's reading. Al needn't have worried. Marysol's main question is about Mama Elsa's health. Cari reveals that someone is wishing Mama Elsa ill. She's blonde. Around fifty. Doing black magic. Hmmm... does that sound suspiciously like a grating, gala thrower we know? And wouldn't you know it, Lea has yet to visit Mama Elsa in the hospital. Man, Cari is amazing. What a display of psychic prowess. Or, it could be that SHE WATCHES THE SHOW!! Jesus. Seriously, Cari, the next time you are trying to scam someone, be more vague. It's much more believable. I half expected you to rattle off Lea's home address.
Alexia is Editor-In-Chief of Venue!? So, yeah. Alexia is EiC of Venue magazine. Did we know this before? I knew that Herman, her husband, owned the magazine and that she worked there, but I don't think I knew that. Man, being married to the owner has it's perks. Maybe that's what I need to do. I have a journalism degree. All I need to do now is find a magazine owner and I'm all set. We got a chance to see Alexia hard at work. Approving stories? No. Working on the layout? No. Planning a party? Ah yes, the editors most important job. That and giving away free ad space for party props. Well done, Alexia. Well done.
Lea is BFF's with Lance Bass! We know that Lea loves to name drop, but typically it's just all the "celebrities" that she lines up to attend her annual gala. It turns out that Lea is "real friends" with Lance Bass AKA the gay one from *NSYNC. Also, Lance Bass has a raido show. Seriously? Is it that easy? I mean, come on, first Slade from the OC, now this. I'm a little bitter. This episode was light on Lea. She met with Fabio & Hernan, the gays she pays to be her besties. I'm not sure Lisa really got that, but what can you do? She also got on her knees to get Alexia and Herman to come to her gala. Thank God that Ana wasn't there to see that. Also, what was up with Lea's right eye during her interviews when she was wearing that maroon top? It looked like it was red. Could the Lady Black have a burst blood vessel or a sty? How everyday of her to deign to go on camera not looking her best.
Lisa wants to be pounded like a chicken cutlet every once in a while. And the person doing the pounding would be Lenny. Let that picture percolate in your noggin for a while. I'll give you a few minutes to vomit or violently shudder, perhaps both. Are you back? Good. It sounds like Joanna isn't the only Miami Housewife who is going through a dry spell. Things haven't been as hot and heavy between the Hochsteins as Lisa would like. It's Adriana to the rescue! She gives Lisa a used -- ew-- naughty nurse costume that put the spark back in her and Frederic's waning sex life. It must have worked bcause the next time we see Lisa and Lenny they are enjoying a bubble bath. I'm assuming it led to sex, while at the same time working really hard not to picture it.
Joanna is the man in her relationship. And, shockingly, Romain is not cool with being referred to as the woman. This was the shocking revelation made by Joanna's sex therapist when she visited her sans fiancée. Why was Romain absent? It seems Marta was sending some texts accusing Romain of cheating yet again and it pissed him off. I will say that Joanna is in a bit of pickle here. She needs to make Romain and Marta work things out between themselves and stay out of it. It looks like she gives Marta a pass. Not cool, Jo. We did get a glimpse of Romain and Joanna's new digs. It wasn't much to look at from the outside, but that backyard. Damn. I want a couch on a deck that overlooks the water. Can someone get on that, please?
Adriana speaks lousy French... according to Romain. Ms. I-Speak-Five-Languages' French is shoddy? This episode was Adriana-lite compared to the others. During her meeting with Lisa, Adriana once again recounted her marriage but no wedding story after Lisa whips out the paperwork she got from Lea. Seriously, I never want to hear this story again. Adriana does ask Lisa to be her bridesmaid and that evil glint that she gets in her eye tells us the only reason that she did it is to piss off Joanna. It really goes down at Alexia's Venue party when Frederic attempts to say hello to Romain. I'm not sure what the whole beef was about because I really don't care. I heard something about a car wash and a tweet and then Adriana ran up and started to shriek about a Colombian Romain was fucking. It was all really ridiculous and ended with Adriana and Freddy leaving the party early.
So, what did you guys think? Were you surprised by the things we learned? Was there something you learned that I didn't mention? Share in the comments.
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