The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Horsing Around

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 14: "Horse Whisper to a Scream"

Watching this season has sort of been like watching a series of more vulgar Dr. Phil episodes.  It seems like ever since the castle retreat with Dr. V every episode has been chocked full of therapy speak.  It has continued during this birthday trip for Melissa in Arizona.  It almost seems like Joe doesn't know his wife at all, because it seems like Melissa, vainest and shallowest of all the New Jersey Housewives, wants nothing to do with it.  Too bad, Melissa.  Vacation continues along with group therapy and horses.  Seriously, who else thinks that horse therapist will be the newest Bravolebrity?  I would watch every episode.  So, how did things go?  Hit the jump and find out.

Melissa has had it, y'all.  She is done with this touchy feely garbage.  All she wants for her birthday is to get in her bikini, lounge by the pool and drink.  Um... hasn't that all you've been doing every time the camera cuts to you?  I digress.

No bikinis and cocktails for Melissa today, today is a day for horse healing, which apparently is a thing.  It may only be a thing in Arizona, but it is a thing.  It turns out that Teresa is terrified of horses.  It could be all animals.  I mean, can't animals sense when someone is evil?  That could be why animals and Tre don't mix.

So, Wyatt, the horse therapist, basically tells everyone their goal is to get the horse to raise it's hoof so they can scrape the bottom of it.  When it is their turn, he breakes them all down emotionally.  It's good fun.  This is what almost the entire episode is comprised of, and if I tried to go over everything that happened this blog post would be hellaciously long, so let me just bullet point out some of the most interesting aspects of the episode and the cast's interactions with Wyatt.

* Richie meets his match in Wyatt
* Teresa is giving Jacqueline advice and rooting her on, then hugs her!?
* Juicy J actually talks about his legal issues, instead of pretending they don't exist
* It turns out that Al was emotionally abused, no one is surprised by that, right?
* Teresa and Melissa check out almost immediately, because they are the same person
* Juicy takes a call away from the group, shades of last year and California, psych it's Milania!

Even though most of the episode was spent with Wyatt, it was never boring.  The funniest thing is how over it Teresa and Melissa are from the jump.  They got along so well during this, it just goes to show that the reason why they hate each other isn't because one of them is maybe spreading lies or getting someone else to spread lies to the tabloids, it's because they are basically the same person.

Back at the resort, we are treated to some more awkward Teresa and Joe water time.  This time they are in a hot tub and have clothes covering their naughty bits, thank God.  Joe attempts to talk more about his legal trouble, but there is a lot of rambling and mumbling and I can't really make a lot of it out.

That night there is some Native American drumming.  Pretty much everyone hates this.  I half expected LuAnn from the NYC Housewives to pop out wearing a deerskin dress, shouting the word Indian and tomahawk chopping, before commandeering the drum and leading everyone in a rousing rendition of "Money Can't Buy You Class."

Teresa and Jacqueline end the night by cementing their making up and doing their own private burning ceremony.  Is this going to last?  I doubt it.

So, what did you guys think?  Did you love Wyatt?  Do you want to join me in starting a letter writing campaign to Andy Cohen to get this man his own show?  Are Jacqueline and Teresa really going to be friends again?  Are you as over this touchy feely crap as Melissa is?  Let me know in the comments.