The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episod 1: "A Catered Affair to Remember"
The ladies of the 90210 made their triumphant return to Bravo with a season premiere that teases big things to come. I think we can all agree that last season was pretty lackluster, but the women brought their A games and based on that tease for the season. Wow. Are these bitches really trying to come for Lisa? Is that happening? They be stupid. So, what went down? Hit the jump for more.
Yolanda: The newest Mrs. Foster is not letting Lyme disease slow her down. She is still the momager from Hell as she Stockholm Syndrome's daughter Gigi into thinking that she wants to be a model. When Yolanda had her arm around Gigi and Gigi was talking about how much she loves not eating and working out, I kept watching her face to make sure she wasn't blinking "Help me" in Morse code. Yoland and Brandi are BFF's. I feel like Yolanda sees Brandi as a human version of a fixer upper house. Some new paint, some new furniture and she goes from crass to class. Too bad this is Brandi we are talking about. Yolanda and Kyle are still on the outs from what happened at last year's reunion. Kyle and Kim accused Yolanda of saying that Lisa was full of shit when no one else was around. Even though Kim was involved, Yolanda doesn't seem to be pissed off at her, just Kyle. Yolanda is the bigger person, so she decides to go to Kyle's party, because that's what the bigger person does. Did I mention Yolanda is the bigger person?
Kim: I can't be the only person who would watch a spin-off focused on Kim and Kingsley. Imagine. Kim chasing Kingsley around her house futilely telling him to stop chewing on things. Then, Kim deadpanning into the camera things like "He needs some training." It would be glorious. That entire ten minute scene was probably my favorite of the episode. Oh Kim. You love turtles and I love you.
Brandi: Brandi is spending her book money and also being a little racist. She's moving on up "like a white version of the Jefferson's." Brandi is looking to lease not buy a new home. She has a great realtor boyfriend named JR. He's the same guy that she was accused of boning in the bathroom at Kyle's White Party. There was no bathroom sex, though. There is lots of sex now. All over the place. She also walks around naked and she is keeping her stripper pole, so don't worry everyone. Brandi is still the crass, trashy woman that you have known and loved or loved to hate for the past two seasons.
Lisa: The Lady Vanderpump is in deep on Dancing with the Stars. She is loving bumping and grinding with her super hot, straight, dancing partner Gleb. Filming has started, so Lisa is trying to re-kindle her relationship with Kyle. Kyle is having SUR cater her party for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce (more on that later) because she wants to offer a peace offering to Lisa and because Vanderpump Rules is premiering. Synergy! Lisa reacts like everyone did when they heard that Kyle was joining the Chamber of Commerce. With laughter. Of course, Kyle becomes very offended. It only gets worse when Lisa brings up the cheating rumors that are hounding Kyle and Mauricio. Not in front of her child, Lisa!
Kyle: Kyle is pretending to work at her store. And by working, I mean yanking clothes out of shoppers hands, gossiping with her employees while they ignore the customers and horrifying customers with stories of slipping on dog pee and hurting her arm. You are quite the proprietor, Kyle. Keep it up. Kyle is approached by a man saying he is the head of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. Kyle obviously has no idea what that is. Thank God for context clues. Hey, Kyle, did you know that this year is the centennial of Beverly Hills. Of course! She was born and raised in Beverly Hills. She knew it before you did. Kyle loves to throw any sort of a party, so she agrees to have her house filled with strangers. Fun times. At Kyle's party, we are introduced to the newest Housewives. Carlton Gebbia is British and fabulous. She does sort of look like a mummy sometimes, probbaly because of all the spray tanning, but I sort of love her and the condescending looks she can't keep off her face as the evening progresses. Joyce Giraud de Ohoven is a two-time Miss Puerto Rico, who is married to a fat Arnold Schwarzenegger. She also has better hair than Kyle. I'm sure Kyle was fuming as the women ran their hands through Joyce's lustrous locks and Lisa joked about how she should do a Pantene commercial. How dare they?! In Kyle's own house no less.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere? Did the tease for the season make you excited? Were you impressed that Brandi only mentioned her cheating ex husband once? Progress? Which new Housewife is your favorite? Will you be on Team Lisa? Sound off.
Kyle: Kyle is pretending to work at her store. And by working, I mean yanking clothes out of shoppers hands, gossiping with her employees while they ignore the customers and horrifying customers with stories of slipping on dog pee and hurting her arm. You are quite the proprietor, Kyle. Keep it up. Kyle is approached by a man saying he is the head of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. Kyle obviously has no idea what that is. Thank God for context clues. Hey, Kyle, did you know that this year is the centennial of Beverly Hills. Of course! She was born and raised in Beverly Hills. She knew it before you did. Kyle loves to throw any sort of a party, so she agrees to have her house filled with strangers. Fun times. At Kyle's party, we are introduced to the newest Housewives. Carlton Gebbia is British and fabulous. She does sort of look like a mummy sometimes, probbaly because of all the spray tanning, but I sort of love her and the condescending looks she can't keep off her face as the evening progresses. Joyce Giraud de Ohoven is a two-time Miss Puerto Rico, who is married to a fat Arnold Schwarzenegger. She also has better hair than Kyle. I'm sure Kyle was fuming as the women ran their hands through Joyce's lustrous locks and Lisa joked about how she should do a Pantene commercial. How dare they?! In Kyle's own house no less.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere? Did the tease for the season make you excited? Were you impressed that Brandi only mentioned her cheating ex husband once? Progress? Which new Housewife is your favorite? Will you be on Team Lisa? Sound off.
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