The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 1: "Garden State of Emergency"
There are rare times when actual reality intrudes on the manufactured reality of some of your favorite reality television shows. This happened during last night's fifth season premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, as the various ladies drove through the Jersey Shore, surveying the damage left behind in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. With the tornadoes in Oklahoma and the recent flooding throughout the Midwest, it's easy to forget that Sandy was particularly devastating and that people are still rebuilding. I'll admit I was feeling some genuine emotion watching Melissa, Joey G, Kathy, Richie, Teresa and Juicy Joe, maneuvering through the wreckage of their Shore homes, but then it hit me... these are their SECOND HOMES. They all still have mansions to go home to that are completely fine. Whew. I'm glad that's over. Now we can all go back to making fun of Teresa as she mispronounces words and pretends she knows what's going on with the economy.
After that troubling detour into the harsh light of day, we are firmly back in more familiar territory. The feud between the Gorgas and the Giudices is still going strong. Teresa has not spoken to any of her castmates since the ridiculousness of the season 4 reunion. We are still hearing basically the same things from Teresa and Melissa. It seems the producers realize that we are sick of hearing about how Melissa is jealous of Teresa and how Teresa maybe called Melissa a stripper. So, how can we inject this feud with some freshness. I know. Let's get small children involved!!
Yes, little Milania and Antonia have now become pawns in their mothers' quests to extend their fifteen minutes of fame. It turns out Antonia wrote a letter to her cousin talking about how she missed her little cousin. Melissa decides to mail the letter to the Giudice household. Teresa of course thinks that Melissa put Antonia up to the whole thing, but she still has little Milania call Antonia to try to set up a playdate. The whole thing is super awkward seeing as how neither mother will speak to the other, so nothing is really accomplished. Melissa and Teresa eventually text back and forth, but neither will give an inch. The whole thing is so incredibly stupid.
You know who else is so incredibly stupid? Joe Giudice. He is the worst. He ekes out Slade for worst Housewife Husband/Significant other. He is badmouthing Melissa, his sister-in-law and his children's aunt, in front of them, referring to her as Horsey Face to Melania and calling her a stank ass beeyotch to Teresa. Come on. Does Joe really have any room to be calling anyone Horsey Face? I mean, every surface of his house is reflective, so he has to have seen himself at least once. Also, stop roundhouse kicking that punching bag whenever a camera is near you. It doesn't make you look tough. It's just going to make you pull a groin. Wait a minute. Keep doing it. I would love to see that.
Speaking of Giudice family members I hate, how about Gia? She is just awful. Now listen, before anyone says anything about a grown man hating an 11 year old, be quiet, I'm not listening to you. I realize that the reason that Gia is the way that she is is because of Teresa. Even if Teresa started treating her like her daughter rahter than one of her girlfriends today, there is no way that Gia will grow up to be anything other than a completely awful human being. I mean, Teresa just lets her text Melissa. Why are you alowing your 11 year old to interject herself into this? You have the power to stop her. Do it!
The playdate finally happens with the ladies meeting to make jewelry or something. It was pretty funny that Teresa and Melissa both loved that hideously ugly homemade jeweld sink thing. Tacky reigns supreme in the Garden State. Absolutely nothing is resolved since Teresa and Melissa won't even look each other in the eyes. No resolutions in the premiere. Shocker.
The other women had little to do. Caroline and Albert have gotten an apartment in Hoboken to test the waters out and to keep tabs on Albie and Chris, despite Caroline's claims to the contrary. Also, it's kind of cool to see Caroline and Joe's relationship blossom and it's good that Joe actually has someone to talk to. Jacqueline spends some time with Nicholas, she also mentions bleaching her asshole. So, there's that. Kathy has a nice dinner with everyone's favorite Jersey lesbian, Rosie.
Can we talk about the opening credits? Seriously, they have had the same ones for three years. The women don't even look the same. Can't Bravo throw them a little money to film some new ones, I mean, they are the most successful Housewives franchise.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere? Are you excited to be back in Jersey? It looks like the Gorgas and the Giudices will finally find peace. Do you believe it? What about Caroline talking about the real Melissa? Could Ashley and Jacqueline be meeing with Danielle Staub? It's going to be a wild ride. Hit me up in the comments with your thoughts and reactions to the premiere.
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