The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Calm Before the Storm

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 6: "Drinking With the Enemy"

[Ed. Note: I was on vacation.  I'm going to try to recap these eps as quickly as I can so I'm ready for Sunday]

This episode sort of felt like a placeholder, didn't it?  Based on the season tease we know that the real shit goes down at the oft mentioned retreat.  That's not to say that this episode was a snooze, no RHONJ episode is, but knowing what goes down in the next episodes, it definitely made this episode a little anti-climactic.  Also, there was a scene where the Giudices, including Teresa's parents made 800 pounds of sausage!?  The scene was filled with Joe making sexual innuendos he didn't even try to disguise in front of his young daughters and his in laws.  Have I mentioned how much I despise that guy lately?  Because I do.  Lots.  Let's pretend that this whole thing never happened.  

Let's break this shizz down, Housewife by Housewife.  Starting with:

Caroline: The Matriarch of the Manzo family didn't have much to do this episode.  She visited Kathy's test kitchen and was suitably impressed.  She also declined an invite from Rosie to the Gorga/Giudice Castle of Therapy.  Good move, Caroline.  There was also dinner with Albert, where the Manzos had a conversation that has become pretty routine and familiar.  Caroline wants Al to stop working so much and he wants her to cut the cord.  It was pretty funny when Caroline tried to convince Al that if they stay at the apartment in Hoboken it would be like a little vacation.  Al was not convinced.  "It's funny how your idea of a vacation is staying a few miles from your kids," Al fired back.  "With a room for Lauren."  Touché.  At least Caroline knows that if anything happened to her or their marriage fell apart, Al wouldn't take up with a 22 year old.  That's comforting, right?

Kathy: Has Kathy taken Caroline's place as the show's level headed voice of reason?  It certainly seems that way.  Despite not discussing it with her first, Kathy is down with the test kitchen.  She now has a place to escape when Rich's boneheadedness becomes too much to bear.  Silver lining, Kath!  Then, there is the disastrous shopping trip she takes with the increasingly unstable Jacqueline (more on her in a bit).  Kathy takes a call on speaker, as Housewives are wont to do while they are filming, and it's Teresa.  She invites Kathy and Rich to the retreat and then mentions how she invited Jacqueline and that she thinks Jacqueline should come because it's her fault Teresa and Joey Gorga are in this mess.  Cue Jacqueline grabbing the phone and Kahty being mortified.  Kathy is eventually able to wrestle the phone away from Jacqueline.  Kathy is astute in her one on one interviews when she makes the observations that despite what Jacqueline says she still has issues with Teresa and that Jacqueline is a little cuckoo bird.  

Jacqueline: Speaking of the Lady Laurita, "cuckoobird" may not be the correct psychiatric term for the mental affliction burdening her, but that doesn't mean it isn't scarily accurate.  Everything seemed hunky dory when she was with Caroline, Rosie, and Kathy at the test kitchen, joking around about how she'd rather face the gates of hell, than the Gorga/Giudice/Wakile "therapeutic retreat."  Re-watching that scene, there is a manic glint in Jacqueline's eyes when she is making these jokes.  It was right in front of us all along.  Then, there was the incident at New Jersey clothing store, Robin's Closet. Jacqueline snatched the phone from Kathy's hand once she heard Teresa blaming her for Teresa's problems with her brother.  Now, I'm on Jacqueline's side here.  They had issues before the whole "Teresa set you up to ambush  you about stripping allegations" incident.  We all knew that shit had gone down long before that, so to try to blame shift onto Jacqueline is ridiculous, but for that comment to send Jacqueline barreling down the tracks on the crazy train is equally ridiculous.  I couldn't even tell you what all they accused each other of.  "Are you talking over me because you're guilty?" Jacqueline accused Teresa.  "You're crazy," Teresa responded, a sentiment shared by the other patrons of Robin's Closet as they watched this whole scene unfold, while they tried to discreetly Facebook and Twitpic the whole thing.  It was probably some foreshadowing that the retreat wasn't going to go well when Teresa was threatening Jacqueline with it, but I digress.  Kathy was finally able to wrest the phone from Jacqueline and end the call with Tre.  "Can you believe people act that way?" Jacqueline asked out loud, echoing the same question running through every other customer's head.  This behavior continued at dinner with the Gorgas when Melissa and Joe were confronting Kim D.  Jacqueline kept making these non sensical non-sequiturs and then laughing her ass off, even though they made no sense.  At this point, we shifted over to Kathy's confessional, where she makes another astute observation.  "Jacqueline keeps saying that she is over Teresa, but obviously, she isn't."

Melissa & Teresa:  Let's talk about these two together, shall we?  Melissa goes out to lunch with her two besties: Maria & Jan.  These ladies are supposed to be Melissa's closest confidantes, yet we've never seen them before.  Jan was in Melissa's wedding and we saw video to prove it.  Melissa tells them all about her book deal.  Melissa is writing a book guys, you remember don't you?  She's writing a book, and she is so excited!  Maria and Jan seem genuinely excited for their friend, at first.  Then, Melissa tells them what the book is about and their eyes glaze over and the happy looks switch over to looks of disdain.  Melissa prattles on about how with her book everyone can have a sexy marriage and that it takes work, you know.  You can't just roll out of bed and it was at this point that my eyes glazed over and I put on a look of disdain very similar to Melissa's friends.  She then launches into another diatribe about Teresa and how she can't figure out Tre.  She talks about a, groan, tweet, that Teresa sent out congratulating Melisssa on her book deal.  Of course, Melissa knows there is some sort of agenda that Teresa is pushing that is against Melissa.

The scene shifts to Teresa having cocktails with her real girlfriends.  Kim D is there, of course, and she still hasn't washed or changed her extensions since Gia's birthday party.  There is some other blonde there who barely said anything, so who cares.  Jennifer, Melissa's maybe realtor is there, also.  What is wrong with Jennifer's face?  I mean, when she went to her plastic surgeon did she specifically ask to look like a cat?  Is that hot?  Are guys into that?  I'm so confused.  Who else is there?  Lo and behold, it's Melissa's self described BFF and former bridesmaid, Jan.  Janny is singing a different tune at this table.  She and Melissa were never friends.  Not only that, but Melissa is totally cheating on Joe with some guy.  She told Jan all about it.  Also, she blew him. Kim D. is eating all this up and you know that she invited Jan specifically so she could spread this gossip to Teresa.  To Teresa's credit, she shuts the whole thing down.  In her private interview, she even defends Melissa.  She's heard this rumor before, confronted Melissa about it and Melissa denied it.  Teresa believes her, because she knows that people have spread untrue rumors about her and Juicy Joe.  Props to Teresa here.  That's something I never thought I'd say.

So, Jennifer really wants Melissa's listing, so she invites her to lunch and spills the beans about Jan's revelation.  Melissa is shocked.  How could her best friend do this to her?  She is more mad at Teresa, which makes no sense.  Teresa didn't make these accusations, Jan did, but somehow in Melissa's eyes, Teresa is more culpable because she is Melissa's sister-in-law and she should have left and not associate with these people and blah blah bliddy blah.  The logic is so convuluted that you couldn't follow it with a map.  After hearing this, I'm even more worried about Melissa's book.

At dinner with the Wakiles, Gorgas, and Lauritas, who walks in to the restaurant, but good old Kim D. Richie grabs the skankiest one of all and drags her over to the table.  Melissa confronts her and Kim D., to her credit, doesn't deny anything.  Melissa tells her to keep her name out of Kim D's mouth and then she attempts to eat Joe's face.  When you kiss someone do you lick their nostrils?  Is that a thing now?  The whole time, Jacqueline is making non sensical noises and chortling loudly at how funny she is.  Seriously.  Get this woman some help.  Immediately.

Jennifer, who was a busy little beaver this week, had lunch with Teresa.  She told Teresa that she spilled the beans to Melissa about what Jan had said at dinner.  Teresa is a little upset, because she knows that Melissa's reaction will be to blame her and she is correct.  Jennifer triest to save face with Teresa by telling her the only reason she talked to Melissa is because she wants Melissa's listing.  Teresa wasn't buying it.

Sidebar:  What was the deal with the Melissa, Kathy, Joe and Richie stripping scene?  Why would Melissa do that?  She is trying to distance herself from the stripping scandal, but she decides to do this? I just don't understand what Melissa's deal is this season.

So, the scene is set for the first part of the sure to be epic three episode retreat.  Are you guys excited?  Who do you think will win the fight between the Joes?  Will this feud finally be put to bed? Is Jennifer auditioning to be a full time New Jersey Housewife next season?  Let me know what you think in the comments.

An Artist You Should Know: Natalia Kills

I became aware Natalia Keery-Fisher better known as Natalia Kills around the time she released her debut album "Perfectionist" in 2011.  There was nothing wrong with the album per se.  It was full of above average pop songs, but the album and Natalia herself kind of gave off a wannabe Lady GaGa vibe.  I'm sure not many people Stateside have even heard of Natalia.  I sort of assumed that we would just fade back into obscurity.

So, color me surprised when I got my first listen of her new single, "Saturday Night."  I loved it from the first line, "Mama, you're beautiful tonight, movie star hair and that black eye."  The song extols the pitfalls of being young, before exuding that even she's flat on her face, everything will be great because it's just another Saturday night.  This is the song of summer.  Robin Thicke, Daft Punk and Miley can all eat a dick.  Take a listen to the song and then let me know what you think in the comments.

RIP Cory Monteith

Cory Monteith

(May 11, 1982-July 13, 2013)

I woke up Monday to some genuinely devasting news.  One of my favorite television actors, Glee's Cory Monteith, was found dead in a hotel room in Vancouver.  An autopsy report released on Wednesday confirmed what many of us dreaded, Monteith's cause of death was an overdose on a combination of heroin and alcohol.  He was only 31.  I have been a proud Gleek from day one and part of the reason why I stick with the show through it's ups and downs, is because of the attachment I feel to the show's impressive cast.  Cory is one of the cast members I feel the most affinity for.  We are close in age.  I've watched lots of interviews with Cory, I follow him on Twitter, and he just seems like a very genuine, funny, classy guy.  His death leaves a huge void, not just in the cast of Glee, but in the acting community.  I think Cory would have gone on to great things. I think his breakthrough role would have just been a springboard, but now we'll never know, and that is incredibly sad.

Cory's claim to fame was the role of awkward, charmingly dumb jock, Finn Hudson.  Finn was sort of the show's everyman.  He spoke without thinking, putting his foot in his mouth on a regular basis.  He made decisions based on how popular things would make him, rather than what he really wanted to do.  No matter what, Finn always made the right decision in the end.  Even though Cory was the oldest of the cast playing teenagers, his teenage character was the most authentic, even when Ryan Murphy and the other writers thrust him into some pretty ridiculous situations, Cory never lost that realness that casued Gleeks everywhere to root for him.

The loss of Cory is huge and it's still something being felt by Gleek's everywhere days later, including this one.  My thoughts are with his family, the cast, and his real life girlfriend, Lea Michele.  We all know that Cory struggled with addiction entering rehab at 19 and again last year.  We all hoped that he could kick his addiction and everything would end happily.  Unfortunately, that's not how things work in the real world.  It'll be interesting to see how the writers of Glee choose to handle this very sensitive matter and how the fans react.  I have an idea how I would like to see it handled and I will share that in a future blog post.  In the meantime, here are some of my all time favorite Finn Hudson performances from the past four years of Glee.  Hit me up in the comments with your memories and how Cory Monteith and the character of Finn Hudson impacted  your life.

"Jessie's Girl"

This is from season one.  One of my favorite songs and a great cover.  Finn sings this to Rachel in the episode "Laryngitis" to express how he feels about her dating Vocal Adrenaline's duplicitous, Jessie St. James.

Don't Dream It's Over

Finn was sort of aimless in season 4.  One of his best musical moments of the season came during the episode "Swan Song" after the New Directions lost at Regionals, they meet in the courtyard and perform Crowded House's "Dont Dream It's Over."

The Scientist

This was Finn's best musical moment in season 4.  It came during the emotional episode, "The Break-Up."  This was Monteith at his best.  His perfomance before with Lea Michele is Emmy worthy.

Borderline/Open Your Heart

This was from the show's very first tribute episode, "The Power of Madonna."  It was a fun flirty duet that showed some versatility from Cory.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

After outing Santana in the season 3 episode "I Kissed a Girl," Finn sings this song to her.  It is emotional and sweet.  It is a bit cloying, but Cory's rendition raises it above just schmaltz.

Faithfully and the rest of the Journey Medley

When you think of Glee and Journey most viewers think of the song that launced the phenomenon, "Don't Stop Believin'."  I prefer this intimate duet between Cory and Lea that launches the medley in the first season finale, "Journey to Regionals."

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Hot Heads and Cold Drinks

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 5: "Everything's Coming Up Rosie"

A couple of genuinely shocking things happened on this episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Two people had a confrontation, there was screaming, pounding on the table, disgusted looks from the other people in the bar, accusations hurled, but at the end they were smiling and there seemed to be a genuine reconciliation.  I had to check to make sure I hadn't accidentally hit the remote or something.  Nope.  This was a RHONJ episode.  Coupled with the fact that Teresa actually called Caroline for advice earlier in the episode, this came way too close to functional for me.

Earlier in the episode, Caroline, Kathy and Jacqueline are at some benefit auction thing and the talk is of course about the Gorga/Giudice family feud.  I mean, why wouldn't it be.  There is nothing more exciting or explosive in Jersey right now.  Conveniently, Caroline's phone rings and it's Teresa!  So, after one drink, which seemed pretty disatrous, Caroline has become Teresa's go to advice person when it comes to her brother troubles?  Um... OK.  Sure.  I'll let it slide.  Teresa recounts their gym altercation, and it's pretty hilarious to see Caroline's eyes get bigger and bigger as Teresa gives her the play by play.  She also tells Caroline about some hollistic healing retreat that she wants to take Joe to, so they can try and mend their relationship.  Caroline offers some platitudes and ends the call, vowing to stay out of the Gorga/Giudice family drama from now on.  This may be the best decision that Caroline has made in the entire run of the series.

The producers have been highlighting the extreme dysfunction of the Giudices/Gorgas by juxtaposing scenes of them fighting and talking shit about each other with scenes of the Manzos basically being the Waltons.  Well, if the Waltons talked openly about how fat chicks were "blowjob queens."  I feel like it's a little unnecessary and bordering on overkill.  We get it.  The Manzos are the perfect family, while the Gorgas are coming apart at the seams.  Enough, already.

Kathy and Rich are really making me sad and depressed.  You could always count on them to bring some lighthearted moments, but not this season.  This season everyone has to be sad and have terrible things happening to them.  Kathy is still working on getting her dessert business off the ground.  It is her business, but Rich wants to make all the decisions.  He goes out and buys her or rents her a test kitchen.  Now, Kathy's reaction is not super pleased.  I know a lot of people are probably thinking if your husband buys you a test kitchen for your business you should be appreciative, but look at it from Kathy's perspective.  This seems to be the first thing that is just hers.  She's supported Rich, her kids are getting older, and she is trying to use the Housewives platform to get a business going.  It's great that Rich wants to support her, but he seems to be just taking over.  Before the test kitchen, he got boxes that Kathy didn't want and just sort of walked all over her feelings about it.  It was hard to watch Kathy's confessional where she kind of broke down.  So, I don't think that it's like Kathy doesn't appreciate the gesture, but she wanted to be included in it.  She wants her input to be recognized, since she is the one who is going to be doing the cooking.  So, in a nutshell, Rich needs to pull his head out of his ass.

Melissa is writing a book, you guys.  Did you know that Melissa is writing a book?  I just want you to know that Melissa is writing a book about her hot and sexy marriage and you should know, if you don't know.  She wants to include some stories about her dead father's infidelity in the book, but she wants to make sure that her mom and sisters are cool with it before she does.  So, if she thinks that they may have problems with it, why not talk to them about it on camera.  Makes sense to me.  She brings her sisters over and tells them about this amazing book, that she is so excited about it, and how it's going to be so great and she really wants to include these stories, but she won't if they have a problem with it.  I mean, she really wants to and it may ruin the book if they aren't included, but if her mom and sisters have any issues she won't do it.  She was basically putting them in a no-win situation.  You can tell by the looks on their faces that they aren't too thrilled about all this, but Melissa is in Melissa Land and she really doesn't care, despite the words that are coming out of her mouth.  Between this and Melissa's confession that she sent the bankruptcy tweet about Teresa, this was not her shining episode.  I do like Melissa and I have been "Team Melissa", but if she keeps this up, allegiances could switch up.

Jacqueline countnue to struggle with Nicholas' autism diagonisis.  I feel for Jacqueline.  It can't be easy having an autistic child and struggling with that.  I think that Jacqueline hasn't really accepted it.  I think she thinks that Nick will snap out of it at some point and just be "normal."  I think the sooner that she really comes to terms with the fact that this may be her reality for the rest of her life, the happier she'll be.  I'm afraid that Jacqueline is cracking up and if previews for next week's episode are any indication, I may be right.

Oh Teresa.  Watching you hunt and peck to try to prove that you write your own blogs was the funniest thing I have seen all season.  I am sure that everyone who doubted you is now a Tre believer.  I seriously would love a shot of this every episode.  It should like open or end it.  Tre's Thoughts, Until Her Ghost Writer Shows Up.  This brings us to the major part of the episode.  What we've all been waiting for.  Rosie and Teresa's face to face.  It started out benignly enough, with the cousins exchanging pleasantries.  It didn't take long for Rosie to mention Kathy and all Hell to break loose.  Rosie's eyes were bulging, she was pounding on the table so hard she did something to it.  The gist is that everyone blames everyone for everything.  Teresa did that thing where her voice gets so high only dogs can hear.  Their parents should reconcile before they die and then all of a sudden, it was over.  Everyone called down and things seemed to be copacetic between the cousins.  Teresa broached the topic of the hollistic retreat to Rosie, who is on board.  It seems that Rosie is really invested in getting Kathy and Tre back on good terms.  Everyone knows that this retreat is going to be a mess though, right?  I mean, how could it not be?

So, what did you guys think?  Are the Manzos too warm and fuzzy?  Can Melissa get any more ridiculous about her book?  Can the Wakiles get their act together?  Were you swayed by Teresa's typing prowess?  Surprised the fight ended so abruptly?  Hit me up in the comments.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Sibling Rivalry

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 4: "Gym Rats"

Who knew the gym could be so exciting?  Maybe I should start attending.  Just kidding, let's not get crazy.  If I was in a seemingly unending feud with my crazy eyed sister and there was a chance we might have have a shouting match, then maybe.  It's a soft maybe, but a maybe nevertheless.  Or, if my gym was a hot bed of feuding family members throwing water at each other, I would probably be at the gym.  With popcorn, which is probably counterproductive, but who cares?

So, Teresa is in full pancake makeup, glitter in her hair and she is "working out."  Someone from production has misted her face with a water bottle to make it look as if she is sweating, or maybe it's just excess self tanner.  Who can say?  She spots Joe and looks almost relieved that she has an excuse to stop pretending to work out.  So, after going over and over whether she should or shouldn't go over and say hello with her personal trainer, who may be a mute, she finally decides it would be rude not to say hello.  She wobbles over and offers her a brother a spot.  Joe asks her if she is going to drop the bar on him.  Teresa cackles like it's a joke, even though there is no humor in her brother's eyes, just animosity and a lot of hurt.  It doesn't take long for the estranged siblings to fall back into old patterns.  They quickly drudge up the same arguments that have been driving their relationship for over two years.  They start off with how long it took Melissa to visit their father in the hospital, then Joe throws the Teresa is obsessed with Melissa barb, Teresa volleys back with a brand new accusation.  A tweet that Melissa sent out about how she is getting attacked for renting Chanel bags while Teresa is filing for bankruptcy.  Joe fires back with the "two wrongs make a right defense" talking about how Teresa is constantly "twittering" horrible things about Melissa.  Seriously.  It's tweet.  It's not that hard.  I digress. Joe keeps at it, belittling Teresa for shit talking Melissa in front of her kids, but what has Teresa said to the kids?  That Melissa lip syncs?  Everyone knows Melissa lip syncs, even Gia.  Joe isn't having any of it.  Melissa can't sing, huh?  Well, everyone knows you can't cook.  Their parents cook, Teresa doesn't cook.  Teresa is getting so hot that her tan is getting deeper as we watch.  Joey G. doesn't stop there.  He doesn't call his wife a cunt.  Teresa immediately denies Juicy Joe has ever called her that... to her face.  Even though he definitely called her that last season.  On the phone.  To one of his employees.  Right.  Teresa tries to justify her horrible husband's abhorrent behavior by trying to get Joey G. to admit to having called Melissa names.  Of course Joey G. would NEVER EVER say anything bad about Melissa, because she is gorgeous and a wonderful mother and a sexy wife and a saint!  It seems like the straw that breaks Teresa's back is when Joe insinuates that if Juicy Joe is calling his wife a cunt all willy nilly then he wonders what he says about their children.  Teresa has had it.  She dumps her remaining water out of her bottle onto her brother, hollers some insults at him and leaves in a huff.  No one comes out of this altercation a winner or looking good, but both parties are sure that everyone is siding with them.

This ridiculousness with the Gorgas and the Giudices permeated the entire episode.  The episode began by going back and forth as Melissa and Teresa and their respective Joes disucss Teresa and Melissa's latest confrontation at Gia's birthday party.  How many days did Melissa wait to go to the hospital?  One day?  Four days?  Does it matter as long as she went?  Why is this a major issue?  Why is Melissa lying about it?  Why is Teresa holding on to it?

The drama carried over to the double party that Kathy was throwing for Richie and Victoria who were turning 19 and 49 respectively.  Why was she throwing such a lavish bash for two pretty inconsequential birthdays?  Well they are the birthdays before two major birthdays.  That explains it not at all.  Also, what 19 year old wants to have a joint birthday party with their dad?  Caroline gave Kathy, Jacqueline and Melissa the low down on her meeting with Teresa.  She basically broke it down that at this time Teresa wants nothing to do with Kathy because of Kathy's comments about her father at last year's reunion.  This really sets Ro Ro off.  To be fair, lots of shit sits Ro Ro off.  I mean, the bar being out of Scotch would have caused Mt. Saint Rosie to erupt.  Rosie can't believe that Teresa wants nothing to do with her sister.  How dare she?  You know what, they want nothing to do Teresa.  So fuck you up the ass, Teresa!  A mortified Victoria comes over to ask them to please keep the ass fucking talk to a minimum, thankyouverymuch.  Birthday parties with your parents and your 40 year old family members aren't looking so good now, are they, Vicki?

The rest of the episode dealt with Jacqueline having a personal trainer come to her house, so she wouldn't have to show off her "fat ass" (Jacqueline's words) at the gym.  This was basically Jacqueline telling her personal trainer over and over again how over Teresa she was and look how well adjusted I am, while the personal trainer begged her to do maybe one crunch or half a push up.

Also, the Manzo brothers opened a restaurant.  Albert offered unhelpful suggestions and Caroline showed the chef how to make her famous meatballs.  Many a ball joke ensued.  Man, the Manzos are a breath of functional air on this show.  Seriously.  If they were as fucked up as the Gorgas/Giudices, I'm not sure I could make it through each episode.

So, what did you guys think?  Were there any winners in Teresa and Joe's gym shout fest?  Did you want to party with your parents when you were 19?  Are the Manzos maybe too lovable?  Hit me up in the comments.