The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 6: "Drinking With the Enemy"
[Ed. Note: I was on vacation. I'm going to try to recap these eps as quickly as I can so I'm ready for Sunday]
This episode sort of felt like a placeholder, didn't it? Based on the season tease we know that the real shit goes down at the oft mentioned retreat. That's not to say that this episode was a snooze, no RHONJ episode is, but knowing what goes down in the next episodes, it definitely made this episode a little anti-climactic. Also, there was a scene where the Giudices, including Teresa's parents made 800 pounds of sausage!? The scene was filled with Joe making sexual innuendos he didn't even try to disguise in front of his young daughters and his in laws. Have I mentioned how much I despise that guy lately? Because I do. Lots. Let's pretend that this whole thing never happened.
Let's break this shizz down, Housewife by Housewife. Starting with:
Caroline: The Matriarch of the Manzo family didn't have much to do this episode. She visited Kathy's test kitchen and was suitably impressed. She also declined an invite from Rosie to the Gorga/Giudice Castle of Therapy. Good move, Caroline. There was also dinner with Albert, where the Manzos had a conversation that has become pretty routine and familiar. Caroline wants Al to stop working so much and he wants her to cut the cord. It was pretty funny when Caroline tried to convince Al that if they stay at the apartment in Hoboken it would be like a little vacation. Al was not convinced. "It's funny how your idea of a vacation is staying a few miles from your kids," Al fired back. "With a room for Lauren." Touché. At least Caroline knows that if anything happened to her or their marriage fell apart, Al wouldn't take up with a 22 year old. That's comforting, right?
Kathy: Has Kathy taken Caroline's place as the show's level headed voice of reason? It certainly seems that way. Despite not discussing it with her first, Kathy is down with the test kitchen. She now has a place to escape when Rich's boneheadedness becomes too much to bear. Silver lining, Kath! Then, there is the disastrous shopping trip she takes with the increasingly unstable Jacqueline (more on her in a bit). Kathy takes a call on speaker, as Housewives are wont to do while they are filming, and it's Teresa. She invites Kathy and Rich to the retreat and then mentions how she invited Jacqueline and that she thinks Jacqueline should come because it's her fault Teresa and Joey Gorga are in this mess. Cue Jacqueline grabbing the phone and Kahty being mortified. Kathy is eventually able to wrestle the phone away from Jacqueline. Kathy is astute in her one on one interviews when she makes the observations that despite what Jacqueline says she still has issues with Teresa and that Jacqueline is a little cuckoo bird.
Jacqueline: Speaking of the Lady Laurita, "cuckoobird" may not be the correct psychiatric term for the mental affliction burdening her, but that doesn't mean it isn't scarily accurate. Everything seemed hunky dory when she was with Caroline, Rosie, and Kathy at the test kitchen, joking around about how she'd rather face the gates of hell, than the Gorga/Giudice/Wakile "therapeutic retreat." Re-watching that scene, there is a manic glint in Jacqueline's eyes when she is making these jokes. It was right in front of us all along. Then, there was the incident at New Jersey clothing store, Robin's Closet. Jacqueline snatched the phone from Kathy's hand once she heard Teresa blaming her for Teresa's problems with her brother. Now, I'm on Jacqueline's side here. They had issues before the whole "Teresa set you up to ambush you about stripping allegations" incident. We all knew that shit had gone down long before that, so to try to blame shift onto Jacqueline is ridiculous, but for that comment to send Jacqueline barreling down the tracks on the crazy train is equally ridiculous. I couldn't even tell you what all they accused each other of. "Are you talking over me because you're guilty?" Jacqueline accused Teresa. "You're crazy," Teresa responded, a sentiment shared by the other patrons of Robin's Closet as they watched this whole scene unfold, while they tried to discreetly Facebook and Twitpic the whole thing. It was probably some foreshadowing that the retreat wasn't going to go well when Teresa was threatening Jacqueline with it, but I digress. Kathy was finally able to wrest the phone from Jacqueline and end the call with Tre. "Can you believe people act that way?" Jacqueline asked out loud, echoing the same question running through every other customer's head. This behavior continued at dinner with the Gorgas when Melissa and Joe were confronting Kim D. Jacqueline kept making these non sensical non-sequiturs and then laughing her ass off, even though they made no sense. At this point, we shifted over to Kathy's confessional, where she makes another astute observation. "Jacqueline keeps saying that she is over Teresa, but obviously, she isn't."
Melissa & Teresa: Let's talk about these two together, shall we? Melissa goes out to lunch with her two besties: Maria & Jan. These ladies are supposed to be Melissa's closest confidantes, yet we've never seen them before. Jan was in Melissa's wedding and we saw video to prove it. Melissa tells them all about her book deal. Melissa is writing a book guys, you remember don't you? She's writing a book, and she is so excited! Maria and Jan seem genuinely excited for their friend, at first. Then, Melissa tells them what the book is about and their eyes glaze over and the happy looks switch over to looks of disdain. Melissa prattles on about how with her book everyone can have a sexy marriage and that it takes work, you know. You can't just roll out of bed and it was at this point that my eyes glazed over and I put on a look of disdain very similar to Melissa's friends. She then launches into another diatribe about Teresa and how she can't figure out Tre. She talks about a, groan, tweet, that Teresa sent out congratulating Melisssa on her book deal. Of course, Melissa knows there is some sort of agenda that Teresa is pushing that is against Melissa.
The scene shifts to Teresa having cocktails with her real girlfriends. Kim D is there, of course, and she still hasn't washed or changed her extensions since Gia's birthday party. There is some other blonde there who barely said anything, so who cares. Jennifer, Melissa's maybe realtor is there, also. What is wrong with Jennifer's face? I mean, when she went to her plastic surgeon did she specifically ask to look like a cat? Is that hot? Are guys into that? I'm so confused. Who else is there? Lo and behold, it's Melissa's self described BFF and former bridesmaid, Jan. Janny is singing a different tune at this table. She and Melissa were never friends. Not only that, but Melissa is totally cheating on Joe with some guy. She told Jan all about it. Also, she blew him. Kim D. is eating all this up and you know that she invited Jan specifically so she could spread this gossip to Teresa. To Teresa's credit, she shuts the whole thing down. In her private interview, she even defends Melissa. She's heard this rumor before, confronted Melissa about it and Melissa denied it. Teresa believes her, because she knows that people have spread untrue rumors about her and Juicy Joe. Props to Teresa here. That's something I never thought I'd say.
So, Jennifer really wants Melissa's listing, so she invites her to lunch and spills the beans about Jan's revelation. Melissa is shocked. How could her best friend do this to her? She is more mad at Teresa, which makes no sense. Teresa didn't make these accusations, Jan did, but somehow in Melissa's eyes, Teresa is more culpable because she is Melissa's sister-in-law and she should have left and not associate with these people and blah blah bliddy blah. The logic is so convuluted that you couldn't follow it with a map. After hearing this, I'm even more worried about Melissa's book.
At dinner with the Wakiles, Gorgas, and Lauritas, who walks in to the restaurant, but good old Kim D. Richie grabs the skankiest one of all and drags her over to the table. Melissa confronts her and Kim D., to her credit, doesn't deny anything. Melissa tells her to keep her name out of Kim D's mouth and then she attempts to eat Joe's face. When you kiss someone do you lick their nostrils? Is that a thing now? The whole time, Jacqueline is making non sensical noises and chortling loudly at how funny she is. Seriously. Get this woman some help. Immediately.
Jennifer, who was a busy little beaver this week, had lunch with Teresa. She told Teresa that she spilled the beans to Melissa about what Jan had said at dinner. Teresa is a little upset, because she knows that Melissa's reaction will be to blame her and she is correct. Jennifer triest to save face with Teresa by telling her the only reason she talked to Melissa is because she wants Melissa's listing. Teresa wasn't buying it.
Sidebar: What was the deal with the Melissa, Kathy, Joe and Richie stripping scene? Why would Melissa do that? She is trying to distance herself from the stripping scandal, but she decides to do this? I just don't understand what Melissa's deal is this season.
So, the scene is set for the first part of the sure to be epic three episode retreat. Are you guys excited? Who do you think will win the fight between the Joes? Will this feud finally be put to bed? Is Jennifer auditioning to be a full time New Jersey Housewife next season? Let me know what you think in the comments.
The scene shifts to Teresa having cocktails with her real girlfriends. Kim D is there, of course, and she still hasn't washed or changed her extensions since Gia's birthday party. There is some other blonde there who barely said anything, so who cares. Jennifer, Melissa's maybe realtor is there, also. What is wrong with Jennifer's face? I mean, when she went to her plastic surgeon did she specifically ask to look like a cat? Is that hot? Are guys into that? I'm so confused. Who else is there? Lo and behold, it's Melissa's self described BFF and former bridesmaid, Jan. Janny is singing a different tune at this table. She and Melissa were never friends. Not only that, but Melissa is totally cheating on Joe with some guy. She told Jan all about it. Also, she blew him. Kim D. is eating all this up and you know that she invited Jan specifically so she could spread this gossip to Teresa. To Teresa's credit, she shuts the whole thing down. In her private interview, she even defends Melissa. She's heard this rumor before, confronted Melissa about it and Melissa denied it. Teresa believes her, because she knows that people have spread untrue rumors about her and Juicy Joe. Props to Teresa here. That's something I never thought I'd say.
So, Jennifer really wants Melissa's listing, so she invites her to lunch and spills the beans about Jan's revelation. Melissa is shocked. How could her best friend do this to her? She is more mad at Teresa, which makes no sense. Teresa didn't make these accusations, Jan did, but somehow in Melissa's eyes, Teresa is more culpable because she is Melissa's sister-in-law and she should have left and not associate with these people and blah blah bliddy blah. The logic is so convuluted that you couldn't follow it with a map. After hearing this, I'm even more worried about Melissa's book.
At dinner with the Wakiles, Gorgas, and Lauritas, who walks in to the restaurant, but good old Kim D. Richie grabs the skankiest one of all and drags her over to the table. Melissa confronts her and Kim D., to her credit, doesn't deny anything. Melissa tells her to keep her name out of Kim D's mouth and then she attempts to eat Joe's face. When you kiss someone do you lick their nostrils? Is that a thing now? The whole time, Jacqueline is making non sensical noises and chortling loudly at how funny she is. Seriously. Get this woman some help. Immediately.
Jennifer, who was a busy little beaver this week, had lunch with Teresa. She told Teresa that she spilled the beans to Melissa about what Jan had said at dinner. Teresa is a little upset, because she knows that Melissa's reaction will be to blame her and she is correct. Jennifer triest to save face with Teresa by telling her the only reason she talked to Melissa is because she wants Melissa's listing. Teresa wasn't buying it.
Sidebar: What was the deal with the Melissa, Kathy, Joe and Richie stripping scene? Why would Melissa do that? She is trying to distance herself from the stripping scandal, but she decides to do this? I just don't understand what Melissa's deal is this season.
So, the scene is set for the first part of the sure to be epic three episode retreat. Are you guys excited? Who do you think will win the fight between the Joes? Will this feud finally be put to bed? Is Jennifer auditioning to be a full time New Jersey Housewife next season? Let me know what you think in the comments.
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