The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Episode 2: "Faint Chance"
It can't be easy being the new Housewife on the block. You are thrown in with these women who are years deep in ridiculous feuds. You have to organize lunches or be forced to sit through lunches organized for the sole purpose of trying to get you on someone's side who you have maybe met once. This is what Carlton and Joyce were subjected to on this episode. One of them took to it like a beauty queen to a pageant. The other one? Not so much.
Yolanda is still suffering from Lyme brain. She is getting ready to go to the hospital to have the port that her antibiotics were distributed through removed. What better time to start a cleanse? I don't even want to know what was in the concotion that Yolanda's maid is draining into Fiji water bottles. It looks like Metamucil. Maybe it is. Who knows?
It's time to spend some quality time with Carlton in her Gothic Southern California mansion. Those are things, right? Carlton loves religious iconography. She has stained glass windows, crosses, a confessional, crystal balls, pentagrams. It is a denominational potpourri. The Gebbias love to work out. It was hilarious to see Carlton and her husband running around in their yard in jeans. Who works out in jeans? Carlton knows how to do everything. Hey, weird named kid #1. You are not cutting that celery the right way. What is the right way? Don't worry. Carlton knows the right way. Carlton swears like a sailor and she doesn't give a fuck. She swears in front of her kids and doesn't apologize about it. I'm sort of in love with her.
Brandi is moving into her house. If you ever want to figure out who your friends are, all you have to do is move. Brandi's mom is helping her move. I don't think I need to say much more than that. Brandi continued to keep it classy by revealing lots of embarrassing things about her fam. Like, her dad used to walk around naked all the time and he isn't a big fan of her fake tits. Also, she is going to send her mom money, because she needs that sometimes. Keep it classy, Brandi. Keep. It. Classy. I will say Brandi's "poetry" did make me laugh until I cried.
David decides to be a good husband and take Yolanda can go see her creepy, weird faced doctor. Is this the plastic surgeon that effed up Mama Elsa's face? Is he now some sort of port removing doctor? It's a super simple surgery, so everything goes well. We're also subjected to the weirdest Housewives phone conversation ever. Gigi calls Yolanda and instead of asking her how she's doing, she talks about how she's only had half an almond to eat. Is she hallucinating? Having a stroke? Who knows?
We got to see Lisa get her dance on with hot and sexy Gleb. The audience was full of Housewives including Taylor whose lips were making a special appearance all the way from Colorado. There was a fun dinner with Ken humping Brandi and everyone pretending they were friends. It was nice and fake and very Beverly Hills.
We are treated to two lunches whose only similarities are that cast members are in both. Lisa has Brandi and Yolanda over. Brandi gives Lisa some George Clooney vodka, which I guess is a thing, and the ladies spend the majority of the lunch bashing Kyle. Lisa hilariously suggests that the best way Yolanda can mend her friendship with Kyle is to put her house on the market. Ouch.
Lisa is holding a welcome lunch for the newest ladies. I really thought that Joyce and Kyle would hate each other, but it turns out Carlton hates Kyle. It is pretty much dislike at first sight. It starts with Kyle leaving in the middle of a story that Carlton is telling and continues when Kyle kills a bee. A bee! It infuriates Carlton. You would have thought that Kyle would have ordered Joyce to kill one of her children at the picnic table. I loved it.
Oh yeah, Joyce was there, too. She told some awful story about how she met her ugly husband and how she thought he was old, but he wasn't and she said the words "mercy makeup" and I just didn't care. At all.
Oh, Kim. You know I love you. I loved when you had that trainer come over and Kingsley almost mauled him. Seriously, I re-wound that like 4 times and it never, ever got old. Ever. But, then you have to go over to Kyle's and mock Lisa for her Dancing with the Stars faint. Who cares if it was real or not? Don't follow Kyle down the bitch path. It's no fun. You are better than that. You love turtles! Voom voom sha bang!
So, what did you guys think? Was Lisa's faint real or fake? Do you love Carlton? Is Joyce's hair the best thing about her? Should Gigi just eat something already. Make yourselves heard!
Yolanda is still suffering from Lyme brain. She is getting ready to go to the hospital to have the port that her antibiotics were distributed through removed. What better time to start a cleanse? I don't even want to know what was in the concotion that Yolanda's maid is draining into Fiji water bottles. It looks like Metamucil. Maybe it is. Who knows?
It's time to spend some quality time with Carlton in her Gothic Southern California mansion. Those are things, right? Carlton loves religious iconography. She has stained glass windows, crosses, a confessional, crystal balls, pentagrams. It is a denominational potpourri. The Gebbias love to work out. It was hilarious to see Carlton and her husband running around in their yard in jeans. Who works out in jeans? Carlton knows how to do everything. Hey, weird named kid #1. You are not cutting that celery the right way. What is the right way? Don't worry. Carlton knows the right way. Carlton swears like a sailor and she doesn't give a fuck. She swears in front of her kids and doesn't apologize about it. I'm sort of in love with her.
Brandi is moving into her house. If you ever want to figure out who your friends are, all you have to do is move. Brandi's mom is helping her move. I don't think I need to say much more than that. Brandi continued to keep it classy by revealing lots of embarrassing things about her fam. Like, her dad used to walk around naked all the time and he isn't a big fan of her fake tits. Also, she is going to send her mom money, because she needs that sometimes. Keep it classy, Brandi. Keep. It. Classy. I will say Brandi's "poetry" did make me laugh until I cried.
David decides to be a good husband and take Yolanda can go see her creepy, weird faced doctor. Is this the plastic surgeon that effed up Mama Elsa's face? Is he now some sort of port removing doctor? It's a super simple surgery, so everything goes well. We're also subjected to the weirdest Housewives phone conversation ever. Gigi calls Yolanda and instead of asking her how she's doing, she talks about how she's only had half an almond to eat. Is she hallucinating? Having a stroke? Who knows?
We got to see Lisa get her dance on with hot and sexy Gleb. The audience was full of Housewives including Taylor whose lips were making a special appearance all the way from Colorado. There was a fun dinner with Ken humping Brandi and everyone pretending they were friends. It was nice and fake and very Beverly Hills.
We are treated to two lunches whose only similarities are that cast members are in both. Lisa has Brandi and Yolanda over. Brandi gives Lisa some George Clooney vodka, which I guess is a thing, and the ladies spend the majority of the lunch bashing Kyle. Lisa hilariously suggests that the best way Yolanda can mend her friendship with Kyle is to put her house on the market. Ouch.
Lisa is holding a welcome lunch for the newest ladies. I really thought that Joyce and Kyle would hate each other, but it turns out Carlton hates Kyle. It is pretty much dislike at first sight. It starts with Kyle leaving in the middle of a story that Carlton is telling and continues when Kyle kills a bee. A bee! It infuriates Carlton. You would have thought that Kyle would have ordered Joyce to kill one of her children at the picnic table. I loved it.
Oh yeah, Joyce was there, too. She told some awful story about how she met her ugly husband and how she thought he was old, but he wasn't and she said the words "mercy makeup" and I just didn't care. At all.
Oh, Kim. You know I love you. I loved when you had that trainer come over and Kingsley almost mauled him. Seriously, I re-wound that like 4 times and it never, ever got old. Ever. But, then you have to go over to Kyle's and mock Lisa for her Dancing with the Stars faint. Who cares if it was real or not? Don't follow Kyle down the bitch path. It's no fun. You are better than that. You love turtles! Voom voom sha bang!
So, what did you guys think? Was Lisa's faint real or fake? Do you love Carlton? Is Joyce's hair the best thing about her? Should Gigi just eat something already. Make yourselves heard!
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