The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Password Is Crotch

The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Episode 2: "O, Christmas Tre"

Who wants to be a member of the Marchese family?  Seriously.  Their kids are going to grow up to be seriously messed up.  It's Christmas time in Jersey, but it's not all fun and games.  Disasters happen and the Marchese's want their kids to be ready for anything.  And what better way to prepare them then with the fire drill that launched a thousand future therapy sessions.  How else to explain all this craziness?  A collapsible ladder out the window, Jim demonstrating how "safe" it is.  To be fair, when Jim was dangling out the window there was a look that flashed over Amber's face that said, maybe we are taking this too far. Amber did say she used to hate kids and I'm thinking maybe she still does.  Maybe  that helps explain why she didn't stop the craziness, like when she was blowing the air horn and telling the little ones that they have killed the dog and now mommy and daddy have burned to a crisp.  Merry Christmas, Marchese children.  There won't be sugar plums dancing in your head on Christmas Eve, instead it will be the charred corpses of your parents dancing while you cry.

The rest of the Housewives and their families are preparing for the holidays in more traditional ways.  The Giudices and the Gorgas have too many decorations.  The Gorgas are still living in their rental.  Antonia is very verbal about how much she hates it.  Melissa hates it too, but she pretends she doesn't.  We can see it in her eyes and the way she won't look directly into the camera when she says she likes it.  She definitely doesn't like that the ceiling is too low for her giant ass Christmas tree.

The twins are decorating with Rino and Gio and their parents, Sal and wait for it... Santa.  I couldn't make this up.  They are... colorful characters.  At one point, Sal starts blathering on about tradition and for some reason he brings up Jewish and Chinese people.  I couldn't really follow what he was saying, but I'm just going to assume that it was racist.  Twin T is explaining how her son Giovanni doesn't want to go to college, so he's just going to go into the restaurant business like Rino and it'll be fine.  He'll make a name for himself and all the things that parents say when their kid is too dumb for college.  And really, it's just bullshit.  Gio won't work his way up.  He'll be handed something and he'll ride daddy's coattails and when Rino retires, if the restaurants are left entirely to Gio, he'll probably run them into the ground.

Dina's Christmas decorating is super sad.  She and Lexi can't have an indoor Christmas tree because of Dina's Home for Fucked Up Pets, so they have this sad tree with pine cones smeared with peanut butter as decorations.  Dina has so many siblings.  A few of them are there with her mom helping "decorate," including that one that had all the pets who stayed with Caroline last season.  Talk turns to the Giudices and how everyone feels sorry for them *groan*

It does serve as a perfect segue to the Giudices feeling sorry for themselves.  Teresa is commenting to Joe about how everyone was talking behind their backs at Amber's Harvest Party.  Um... of course they were.  Of course everyone knows who you are.  You're criminals.  You can't be surprised.  I just don't understand these people.  Do they think they are garnering sympathy from viewers by acting bewildered about how and why all this is happening?  They are not.  I get that they don't want to incriminate themselves, but seriously, stop it.  You broke the law.  You got caught.  Deal with it.

Nicole and Dina are becoming friends.  They are kind of an odd pairing.  The only thing they seem to have in common is divorce, but Housewife friendships have been built on flimsier foundations than this.  Dina talks a little about her divorce.  It seems that her relationship with Tommy was successful, because they didn't have to be together.  Lexi was a buffer.  Dina could spend time with her, but now that Lexi is soon to be off to college, Dina wants a partner and Tommy isn't down.  

(Sidebar: Can we talk about that hideous purple dress that Nicole is wearing during her interviews?  Who picked that out?  Were they blind.  Listen, I know the NJ Housewives aren't known for their fashion sense, we all remember Teresa's feathered monstrosity, but this is a new low.  It looks like something Joan Collins would have wore during her "Dynasty" days.  While we are on the subject of the twins, was anyone buying that Twin T knew anything about design?  Seriously.  I'm not sure I would take design advice from someone drinking wine from a gaudy, bedazzled "DIVA" wine glass?)

The Gorgas take a trip to the empty lot where they are building their new house.  After Melissa suggests that Joe pee on the land to mark it, Teresa and Dina show up and we are subjected to a super awkward convo between brother and sister.  I'm happy that they aren't fighting anymore, but I'd almost rather watch them toss water at each other than watch them try to have a heart to heart about Teresa's legal troubles.

It's time for a cousin Christmas.  The Gorgas, the Giudices, the Wakiles and Rosie all get together to swap some gifts and show viewers that really are all getting along.  The facade slips a little bit when it's time for the white elephant gift exchange.  Teresa seems incensed that she got Kathy's gag gift of the dictionary.  It's called having a sense of humor, Tre.  Look into it.

Christmas is finally here!  The Gorgas go sledding and both Melissa and Joe lick a metal pole.  Smart.  Also, if you want people to forget about the whole stripper thing, Melissa, I'd probably start making pole puns. That's just my two cents.  Dina and Lexi have a very maudlin Christmas with Lexi finding out she didn't get into NYU, her first college choice.  Nicole and Bobby are spending their first Christmas together and Bobby kind of screws the pooch gift-wise.  So, I get that Nicole is tacky.  Look at how she dresses, talks, lives her life.  But what would possess you to buy her a wine holder in the form of a high heeled shoe?  Did you pick that up from a gas station on your way to the house?  Hideous.  I probably would have broken up with him right there.

Teresa and Juicy give the girls a puppy and then spout some cliche nonsense about how the girls only have each other.  Then in a private moment, Teresa tries to convince Juicy that the family would crumble without him if he got put in jail or deported.  Would it though?  Teresa seems to be the primary breadwinner, with her cookbooks and this reality show.  What is Juicy bringing to the table besides criminal activity?  Anyone? Beuller?

So, does anyone feel sorry for Teresa and Juicy?  Not the girls, Teresa and Juicy.  Was Dina's Christmas super sad?  How badly do Santa and Sal want Nicole to move out?  Would you have given Bobby a pass on that horrible gift?  Let me know in the comment.