The Real Housewives of New York City, Episode 4: "Holla in the Hamptons"
LuAnn is back! LuAnn we... missed you? Noticed you were gone? Were impressed by the amount of personal growth you've been through since last season? Are one of those true? You decide. No matter how you feel, LuAnn is back, not as a full time cast mate, but a Friend of the Housewives. LuAnn claims that she decided to take some time off by choice. Translation: She held out for more money, was denied, backed off and since filming had already begun, she was demoted. Nice try, Lu.
Speaking of Friends of the Housewives, every season on every Housewives franchise, there is a woman who is not a member of the cast, who decides that she really wants her fifteen minutes of fame. There are the Kims in New Jersey, Marlo in Atlanta, Faye Resnick in Beverly Hills, just to name a few, and this season in New York we have Aviva's "image consultant," Amanda Sanders. Oh Amanda. First off, what is your job exactly? Is it to make Aviva more likeable? If it is, she needs to be fired immediately. If that is what an image consultant does, then she needs to find a new job, because Amanda is one of the most immediately unlikable people I've ever come across on a Housewives franchise and that is saying something. She seems to have targeted Sonja, because she spends the majority of the episode belittling her and trying to steal her man, before she sets her sights on Heather.
This whole episode was like 45 whole minutes of the show within a show, Sonja is Sad, that we normally only get a few minutes of. It's summer in the city so the ladies are headed to the Hamptons for some fun, sun and Sonja's "caburlesque" show. What is "caburlesque?" According to Sonja it is a mixture of cabaret and burlesque, along with a heaping helping of squirm inducing uncomfortableness. Sonja is sort of pracitcing with her backup dancers, but it really just consists of her slapping her own ass, shimmying and comparing herself to Liza Minelli. Sure, Son. Why not? Apparently this caburlesque is to benefit a gay and lesbian youth center of some kind. I thought I should mention that. In case you though Sonja was just doing this for funsies or something. The looks on the back up dancers faces were so great. Also, being a hot mess is not a compliment Sonja.
We take a little break from Sonja's sad sack life to join Kristen, Heather and Carole at the beach taking surfing lessons. It's a fun little diversion from everything else. We get to see the ladies show off their beach bodies. There is lots of struggling getting wetsuits on and off and we get a nice look at Carole's banging beach body. Seriously, I wished my body looked like Carole's and I am 31.
We now you return you to Sonja is Sad already in progress. Sonja and her gaggle of interns have reached the Hamptons. They got there early because Sonja's apartment of course doesn't have hot water. They boil water on the stove at Sonja's. It's fun and kitschy and bohmeian. We also meet Sonja's internlovingly nicknamed "Pickles." Sonja has decided that her caburlesque will have a 1920's Great Gatsby them, because that decade is her thing. Also, she just saw the movie and she wants to try to convince Leonardo DiCaprio to be her newest intern. At rehearsal, Sonja feels like something is wrong. Could it be that she has nothing planned out? That she is Googling burlesque moves minutes before she is set to go on? Because she is wearing something that barely fits and her boa has so few feathers it looks like a baby bird before it gets feathers? Nope. It's because of the backup dancers. Sonja is a solo act. Her on stage all by herself is where it's at.
I did really like Kristen's little interview piece about Harry after she met him. She was expecting a George Clooney type, but that is not what she got. He must have a big cock.
Before Sonja's big show, the women gather and schmooze at the airplane hangar where the performance is going to take place. This is where LuAnn makes her grand re-entrance and we all remember why we can't stand her. Within minutes, the Countess has bonded with Aviva about how horrible Carole is and how she's not a "girl's girl." What does that even mean? It seems to be a common insult that is hurled at women on these shows. How is Carole not a girl's girl? Will someone explain this concept to me, because I just don't get it. LuAnn also wastes not time in insulting "dry martinis in plastic cups" when Amanda makes a comment about the cheap vodka. Bitches.
It's Sonja's big moment and it is everything you imagined it would be. Just who knows how many minutes of rambling monologue along with some "sexy" moves. Carole kind of sums it up best. It's definitely embarrassing, but it's also very Sonja. I know I make fun of Sonja a lot, but I like her and I am very annoyed at Amanda. When I poke fun of Sonja, it comes from a place of love. Amanda is just being cunt-y. Why else would she make the nipple comment and then the menopause comment. Then, she tries to steal Harry away from Sonja. Seriously? What is this chick's deal? I'm over her and her desperate, fame whore ways.
Quick question for any female readers. Do you really want designer bathing suit cover ups? Do you care? Do you have bathing suit cover ups? Isn't that what a towel is for? I'm so confused.
It's time for a barbecue at Lu's featuring all the ladies. So, you know how that is going to go. Carole takes a proactive stance and pulls LuAnn to the side to apologize if she hurt Lu's feelings last year with her completely harmless jokes. I know that Carole is just doing this to undermine Aviva and it totally works. LuAnn doesn't really care about Aviva. All LuAnn cares about is herself, so as soon as Carole apologizes she is back to being a girl's girl and all is right in the Hamptons.
As soon as all the ladies are back in one room, BookGate erupts again and LuAnn loses all control. Spoiler alert, no one gives a fuck if you're the hostess. It's a free for all. Sonja is defending Aviva, while Heather chimes in on Radzi's side and Aviva and Carole get into it all over again. I'm with Kristen, who seems to be over the whole thing and doesn't understand why it needs to be re-hashed for the millionth time. Then, Amanda decides to drunkenly chime in and call Heather an asshole. Not smart, Amanda. Heather worked for Diddy and she thinks she is ghetto, when in reality she is a middle class white lady. Heather immediately stalks after Amanda ready for her to make good on her promise to deck the Yummie mom.
Oy. I thought the Hamptons was supposed to be fun. So, what did you guys think? There is definitely a three on three divide among the ladies yes? Whose team are you on? Do you just want Amanda to go away? Were you excited that LuAnn was back? Let me know.
This whole episode was like 45 whole minutes of the show within a show, Sonja is Sad, that we normally only get a few minutes of. It's summer in the city so the ladies are headed to the Hamptons for some fun, sun and Sonja's "caburlesque" show. What is "caburlesque?" According to Sonja it is a mixture of cabaret and burlesque, along with a heaping helping of squirm inducing uncomfortableness. Sonja is sort of pracitcing with her backup dancers, but it really just consists of her slapping her own ass, shimmying and comparing herself to Liza Minelli. Sure, Son. Why not? Apparently this caburlesque is to benefit a gay and lesbian youth center of some kind. I thought I should mention that. In case you though Sonja was just doing this for funsies or something. The looks on the back up dancers faces were so great. Also, being a hot mess is not a compliment Sonja.
We take a little break from Sonja's sad sack life to join Kristen, Heather and Carole at the beach taking surfing lessons. It's a fun little diversion from everything else. We get to see the ladies show off their beach bodies. There is lots of struggling getting wetsuits on and off and we get a nice look at Carole's banging beach body. Seriously, I wished my body looked like Carole's and I am 31.
We now you return you to Sonja is Sad already in progress. Sonja and her gaggle of interns have reached the Hamptons. They got there early because Sonja's apartment of course doesn't have hot water. They boil water on the stove at Sonja's. It's fun and kitschy and bohmeian. We also meet Sonja's intern
I did really like Kristen's little interview piece about Harry after she met him. She was expecting a George Clooney type, but that is not what she got. He must have a big cock.
Before Sonja's big show, the women gather and schmooze at the airplane hangar where the performance is going to take place. This is where LuAnn makes her grand re-entrance and we all remember why we can't stand her. Within minutes, the Countess has bonded with Aviva about how horrible Carole is and how she's not a "girl's girl." What does that even mean? It seems to be a common insult that is hurled at women on these shows. How is Carole not a girl's girl? Will someone explain this concept to me, because I just don't get it. LuAnn also wastes not time in insulting "dry martinis in plastic cups" when Amanda makes a comment about the cheap vodka. Bitches.
It's Sonja's big moment and it is everything you imagined it would be. Just who knows how many minutes of rambling monologue along with some "sexy" moves. Carole kind of sums it up best. It's definitely embarrassing, but it's also very Sonja. I know I make fun of Sonja a lot, but I like her and I am very annoyed at Amanda. When I poke fun of Sonja, it comes from a place of love. Amanda is just being cunt-y. Why else would she make the nipple comment and then the menopause comment. Then, she tries to steal Harry away from Sonja. Seriously? What is this chick's deal? I'm over her and her desperate, fame whore ways.
Quick question for any female readers. Do you really want designer bathing suit cover ups? Do you care? Do you have bathing suit cover ups? Isn't that what a towel is for? I'm so confused.
It's time for a barbecue at Lu's featuring all the ladies. So, you know how that is going to go. Carole takes a proactive stance and pulls LuAnn to the side to apologize if she hurt Lu's feelings last year with her completely harmless jokes. I know that Carole is just doing this to undermine Aviva and it totally works. LuAnn doesn't really care about Aviva. All LuAnn cares about is herself, so as soon as Carole apologizes she is back to being a girl's girl and all is right in the Hamptons.
As soon as all the ladies are back in one room, BookGate erupts again and LuAnn loses all control. Spoiler alert, no one gives a fuck if you're the hostess. It's a free for all. Sonja is defending Aviva, while Heather chimes in on Radzi's side and Aviva and Carole get into it all over again. I'm with Kristen, who seems to be over the whole thing and doesn't understand why it needs to be re-hashed for the millionth time. Then, Amanda decides to drunkenly chime in and call Heather an asshole. Not smart, Amanda. Heather worked for Diddy and she thinks she is ghetto, when in reality she is a middle class white lady. Heather immediately stalks after Amanda ready for her to make good on her promise to deck the Yummie mom.
Oy. I thought the Hamptons was supposed to be fun. So, what did you guys think? There is definitely a three on three divide among the ladies yes? Whose team are you on? Do you just want Amanda to go away? Were you excited that LuAnn was back? Let me know.
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