The Real Housewives of Miami, Episode 1: "Til Lies Do Us Part"
Summer may be winding down, but Bravo is attempting to turn up the heat by taking us back to the neon colored beaches of Miami. They've trimmed down the cast (Smile, Karent!, See ya in the kitchen, Ana), but amped up the drama. Mortal enemies, Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa, are both getting married, so you know it's only a matter of time before lines in the sand are drawn and sides are chosen. If this episode and the preview for the rest of the season are any indication, sides have already been chosen. I'm not sure why more people to don't watch this iteration of the franchise. I mean, that montage of the women getting ready, Alexia's bedazzled hand mirror with the "A" on the back. It is so over the top and delicious and this looks like it might be the best season yet. So, let's check in with the Mamis of Miami and catch up.
Adriana: Sorry every other cast member, but we all know that the reason people tune in is because of Adriana. Adriana knows what people want and she strives to give it to them. I'm almost convinced that she knew she was going to be a reality star five years ago and that is why she never annulled her quickie marriage to Frederic. Ah yes. This seems to be the driving force for the drama this season. It turns out that Frederic and Adriana have been legally married for five years, there is a marriage license and everything. I loved Adriana's blasé reasonings. Oh, no church, so no marriage. Ay yi yi. Sorry, Adriana, despite what the Three Musketeers and Lisa say, marriage certificate equals married. We were also treated to some scenes with Adriana and Frederic at the warehouse where people are supposedly working on Fred's yacht. Now, do people actually live on yachts full time? Is anyone working on this one? It looks like it is in the exact same state it was last season. All this drama about their marriage is causing rifts in Adriana and Fredric's relationship. Rifts that cause them to erupt in obviously staged fights where Adriana attempts to storm out believably and Fredric grabs a piece of driftwood and attempts to do a Lea impersonation where he throws back his head and cackles maniacally (to be fair, he pretty much nails it), causing Adriana to almost break in the middle of her big scene. I'm really hoping for more Adriana Improv Theater this season and if I know Adriana, I have a feeling I'm going to get it. We also were treated to our first Joanna and Adriana confrontation of the season during a get-together at Lisa's home. It, obvs, centered around Adriana's marriage and the disintegration of her friendship with Lea. Adriana claims that Lea took Joanna's side after the slap heard 'round Miami last season. I'm sort of Team Joanna on this one. No one was in the right here and I remember Lea giving them both the business about it. Adriana also claims that Lea knew she was married to Frederic. The plot thickens...
Lea: Speaking of the "Mayor of Miami," we first see Lea Black lounging in the back of her car, waiting for her new bestie, Joanna. As they ride, they talk about Adriana's marriage. Lea is distraught. She did all these things for Adriana because she thought she was helping out her friend, the single mother. This all seems a little shady to me. Lea and Adriana were thick as thieves for seven years. If you are that close to someone, how do you not know that they are married. Something is not adding up here. Could Lea Black be playing the victim this year, after all the crap she threw Marysol's way last season? We shall see. When she wasn't bad mouthing Adriana and lusting after Romain, Lea was re-modeling her house with two very famous interior designers. Don't ask me their names, because I don't care and I wasn't listening. All I could really focus on were Lea's curlers. I didn't realize that A.) anyone on the a Real Housewives show did their own hair, and B.) that anyone wore curlers anymore. Lea skipped out on Lisa's reconciliation cocktail hour, but something tells me that we won't have to wait long to see the former friends have it out.
Joanna: Joanna is still engaged to Romain and is enjoying her new status as BFF to Lea Black. One of the best moments of the episode was when she said that she was Lea Black thirty years ago. Maybe, Lea does need that plastic surgery she is always pooh-poohing. Joanna says a lot, but doesn't do much this episode. She is very verbal when it comes to her feelings about Adriana's marital revelations. She also gets a new car. That Romain, he knows the way to Joanna's heart is not through her vagina, like she wants us to believe, but through Romain's wallet. We also saw some fracturing in Joanna and Lisa's friendship when Joanna first came to Lisa's house. We know from the previews, and the Twitter feud they were engaged in, that, like most Housewives friendships, this one won't last.
Alexia: Welcome back to the show full-time, Alexia. I have a feeling you are going to be a lot of fun, even if your tagline does need a lot of work. "This Cuban doll is back on the scene and living the dream?" Oy vey. Alexia has had lots of issues. Her youngest son, Frankie, was in a car accident that almost took his life, which was the reason she wasn't a full-time Housewife last year. Luckily, Frankie seems to be doing a lot better, even though his accident messed with his impulse center and now he just says what pops into his head. Alexia's oldest son, Peter, has been acting out. Apparently, he beat up a homeless guy, videotaped it, and put it on YouTube. Alexia heard that Lea called her a horrible mother. We were also introduced to Alexia's mother, Nancy. Poor Nancy. She looks like her plastic surgeon is the same one that Mama Elsa used. Yowza. Alexia claims that Nancy is a psychiatrist, but I'm not convinced. She talks about how men do everything better than women and says something about a castration complex. I love how they all just nod along, like, of course, men are better than women. It would be ludicrous to think otherwise. I'm not sure if Nancy is a good influence or not. I don't think a kid who is beating up homeless people needs someone telling him he is superior.
Lisa: Tits McGhee (thank you, Marysol!) is still trying to be friends with everyone. She goes to the Miami Wedding Expo and meets up with Marysol, Alexia, and Ana. Ana is still upset about being cut from the cast. Sorry, Ana. You can't be dull all season, liven up at the reunion and then expect to be invited back. Go be a bitch someplace else. Lisa doesn't tiptoe around Adriana's marriage to Frederic, she brings it right out into the open, even thought the other women play dumb. Lisa was sort of a plot facilitator this episode. She brings up the marriage with Adriana for the first time and she hosts the party that brings all the ladies minus Lea together for the first time. She briefly mentions her infertility problems and has a scene with Joanna that hints at them drifting apart.
Marysol: I know that Marysol is just a "Friend of the Housewife" this season, but as far as I'm concerned she is still an intergral part of the show and she is my favorite. So there. Marysol was giving us comic relief everywhere and was serving backbone realness, which was a nice change from last season. She also brought the ladies back to Earth by giving them a lecture on what really matters. Mama Elsa is in the hospital. She fell and hit her head, causing her brain to hermorrhage. She had surgery and her prognosis is good, but she will be in the hospital. This sobering admission brought the women back to reality and they toasted to Elsa's good health.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere? Are you feeling Miami? Do you think Marysol, Ana, or Karent should have stayed on? Are you Team Adriana, Team Lea, or Team Joanna? Did you buy Adriana's story? Let me know in the comments.
Adriana: Sorry every other cast member, but we all know that the reason people tune in is because of Adriana. Adriana knows what people want and she strives to give it to them. I'm almost convinced that she knew she was going to be a reality star five years ago and that is why she never annulled her quickie marriage to Frederic. Ah yes. This seems to be the driving force for the drama this season. It turns out that Frederic and Adriana have been legally married for five years, there is a marriage license and everything. I loved Adriana's blasé reasonings. Oh, no church, so no marriage. Ay yi yi. Sorry, Adriana, despite what the Three Musketeers and Lisa say, marriage certificate equals married. We were also treated to some scenes with Adriana and Frederic at the warehouse where people are supposedly working on Fred's yacht. Now, do people actually live on yachts full time? Is anyone working on this one? It looks like it is in the exact same state it was last season. All this drama about their marriage is causing rifts in Adriana and Fredric's relationship. Rifts that cause them to erupt in obviously staged fights where Adriana attempts to storm out believably and Fredric grabs a piece of driftwood and attempts to do a Lea impersonation where he throws back his head and cackles maniacally (to be fair, he pretty much nails it), causing Adriana to almost break in the middle of her big scene. I'm really hoping for more Adriana Improv Theater this season and if I know Adriana, I have a feeling I'm going to get it. We also were treated to our first Joanna and Adriana confrontation of the season during a get-together at Lisa's home. It, obvs, centered around Adriana's marriage and the disintegration of her friendship with Lea. Adriana claims that Lea took Joanna's side after the slap heard 'round Miami last season. I'm sort of Team Joanna on this one. No one was in the right here and I remember Lea giving them both the business about it. Adriana also claims that Lea knew she was married to Frederic. The plot thickens...
Lea: Speaking of the "Mayor of Miami," we first see Lea Black lounging in the back of her car, waiting for her new bestie, Joanna. As they ride, they talk about Adriana's marriage. Lea is distraught. She did all these things for Adriana because she thought she was helping out her friend, the single mother. This all seems a little shady to me. Lea and Adriana were thick as thieves for seven years. If you are that close to someone, how do you not know that they are married. Something is not adding up here. Could Lea Black be playing the victim this year, after all the crap she threw Marysol's way last season? We shall see. When she wasn't bad mouthing Adriana and lusting after Romain, Lea was re-modeling her house with two very famous interior designers. Don't ask me their names, because I don't care and I wasn't listening. All I could really focus on were Lea's curlers. I didn't realize that A.) anyone on the a Real Housewives show did their own hair, and B.) that anyone wore curlers anymore. Lea skipped out on Lisa's reconciliation cocktail hour, but something tells me that we won't have to wait long to see the former friends have it out.
Joanna: Joanna is still engaged to Romain and is enjoying her new status as BFF to Lea Black. One of the best moments of the episode was when she said that she was Lea Black thirty years ago. Maybe, Lea does need that plastic surgery she is always pooh-poohing. Joanna says a lot, but doesn't do much this episode. She is very verbal when it comes to her feelings about Adriana's marital revelations. She also gets a new car. That Romain, he knows the way to Joanna's heart is not through her vagina, like she wants us to believe, but through Romain's wallet. We also saw some fracturing in Joanna and Lisa's friendship when Joanna first came to Lisa's house. We know from the previews, and the Twitter feud they were engaged in, that, like most Housewives friendships, this one won't last.
Alexia: Welcome back to the show full-time, Alexia. I have a feeling you are going to be a lot of fun, even if your tagline does need a lot of work. "This Cuban doll is back on the scene and living the dream?" Oy vey. Alexia has had lots of issues. Her youngest son, Frankie, was in a car accident that almost took his life, which was the reason she wasn't a full-time Housewife last year. Luckily, Frankie seems to be doing a lot better, even though his accident messed with his impulse center and now he just says what pops into his head. Alexia's oldest son, Peter, has been acting out. Apparently, he beat up a homeless guy, videotaped it, and put it on YouTube. Alexia heard that Lea called her a horrible mother. We were also introduced to Alexia's mother, Nancy. Poor Nancy. She looks like her plastic surgeon is the same one that Mama Elsa used. Yowza. Alexia claims that Nancy is a psychiatrist, but I'm not convinced. She talks about how men do everything better than women and says something about a castration complex. I love how they all just nod along, like, of course, men are better than women. It would be ludicrous to think otherwise. I'm not sure if Nancy is a good influence or not. I don't think a kid who is beating up homeless people needs someone telling him he is superior.
Lisa: Tits McGhee (thank you, Marysol!) is still trying to be friends with everyone. She goes to the Miami Wedding Expo and meets up with Marysol, Alexia, and Ana. Ana is still upset about being cut from the cast. Sorry, Ana. You can't be dull all season, liven up at the reunion and then expect to be invited back. Go be a bitch someplace else. Lisa doesn't tiptoe around Adriana's marriage to Frederic, she brings it right out into the open, even thought the other women play dumb. Lisa was sort of a plot facilitator this episode. She brings up the marriage with Adriana for the first time and she hosts the party that brings all the ladies minus Lea together for the first time. She briefly mentions her infertility problems and has a scene with Joanna that hints at them drifting apart.
Marysol: I know that Marysol is just a "Friend of the Housewife" this season, but as far as I'm concerned she is still an intergral part of the show and she is my favorite. So there. Marysol was giving us comic relief everywhere and was serving backbone realness, which was a nice change from last season. She also brought the ladies back to Earth by giving them a lecture on what really matters. Mama Elsa is in the hospital. She fell and hit her head, causing her brain to hermorrhage. She had surgery and her prognosis is good, but she will be in the hospital. This sobering admission brought the women back to reality and they toasted to Elsa's good health.
So, what did you guys think of the premiere? Are you feeling Miami? Do you think Marysol, Ana, or Karent should have stayed on? Are you Team Adriana, Team Lea, or Team Joanna? Did you buy Adriana's story? Let me know in the comments.
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