American Idol, Episode 9: Girls in Hollywood, Pt.1
I think I need to start this delayed recap of last week's episode by lamenting the gone, but never forgotten, Kez Ban. Oh Kez. We hardly knew ye. You were a font of entertainment though. Screaming at the top of your lungs for every girl who performed until your voice sounded like a mountain attempting to sing. Somehow, you made it through to group rounds, only to completely alienate your group. Miraculously, you survived group round, only to get unceremoniously dumped by a cartoon character in a day glo wig. (I still love you, Nicki. I'm just bitter right now.) Honestly, I knew there was no way that Kez Ban would survive all the way to the live voting rounds, but even a certified Idol-oonie like myself has to hold out hope. So, Kez, keep on truckin'. I hope that someday the camera will pan away from one of the Dawg's god awful Japanime buttons and there you'll be. Holding a boom.
Ah, while the loss of Kez Ban was sad and the continuing on of Zoanette's Idol journey baffling, all in all, the girls pissed all over the stage last week, as well as pissing all over the boys. So, how did it all go down? Let's get this recap started:
So, just like last week, the girls filed in while Ryan's ominous voiceover played. First round: The ladies sing a cappella, 8 at a time, then comes the cruelest cut. The first of many. Quick question: Did anyone use the #linesof10? Anyone? Didn't think so. Seriously, television shows. Stop trying to make hashtags happen.
In the first line, Angela Miller, Victoria "Mariachi" Acosta, and the other Mariah. The one with the eating disorder. Well, the diagnosed eating disorder. The Other Mariah (Pulice) is up first. She sings an over wrought, melody free version of Sara Bareilles' "Gravity." You can tell by the judges looks that this is not going well.
Next up, the big surprise, for me, for you, from the girls: Angela Miller. She sings a powerful, amazing, gorgeous, I'm running out of adjectives, version of Jessie J's "Who You Are." It is amazing. Keith sums it up the best. "Unexpected."
Victoria "Mariachi" Acosta takes the mike next. She sings "Killing Me Softly." I'm not sure if you guys caught her audition, if you did, it went about as well as that. 'Nuff said.
Angela and Victoria move forward, unfortunately it's the end of the line for The Other Mariah. I am super worried about her. I hope she doesn't relapse. Besides TOM, we also lost Super Bass girl, Ann Difani, and Ashley Smith, who I was in love with. Damn you, judges.
Next Idol positioned the two female country singers against each other, because you know that there can't be two talented female country singers. First up was Ashley Hale. Janelle Arthur was next. For me, for you, Janelle was the winner. Her mournful, on pitch rendition of "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" knocked me out. Ashley may be more relatable, according to Nicki, but Janelle has the voice and the star power. Ashley and Janelle both make it through. Come on, you know that the Idol producers can't let the possibility of more manufactured drama go this soon.
The ladies are slaughtering it. American Idol is also slaughtering the concept of feminism as they show upcoming scenes from the groups. It is so frustrating. I wish they spent as much time showing scenes of the girls rooting each other on in the audience as they did showing them squabbling during group rounds.
Le sigh.
Anyhoo, Candice Glover is next. They remind you that she got a standing "O" at her audition and that Nicki wanted to skin her and wear her. Based on her jaw dropping rendition of "Impossible" by Xtina, the sentiments are the same.
Megan "Crutch Props" Miller is next. She sings "Titanium" by Sia and it is.... not the best. Neither is her giant pink bow and oversized shirt combo. Not cute, Megan. I thought you were a beauty queen.
Candice sails through, to the shock of no one. Megan heads home. She is probably bedazzling her crutches as we speak so she can use them in the talent portion of her next big pageant.
Isabelle, one name, like Cher, sange "Summertime." It was OK. I didn't love it as much as the judges did, but for me, for you, that will always be Fantasia's song. It doesn't matter though, because the judges put her through.
Briana Oakley sings "Impossible" by Xtina, but after Candice owned the song previously, it's hard to get too excited for her rendition, which is just too sweet for me.
So, the ladeez get the bomb dropped on them that the producers are choosing their groups, which they already knew, because the boys are little gossips. So, of course, there is lots of dumb drama. Proclamations that there is no drama, when of course, there was. Crying. Going to bed early. Kez's group abandoning her because, why wouldn't you? Zoanette has a meltdown, because she thinks that "Knock On Wood" is a country song. Whatever. No one cares. If you have seen one group episode, you have seen them all.
First up, The Swagette's consisting of Candice Glover, Kamaria Ousley, Melinda Ademi, and Denise Jackson, busted out an Idol classic, "Oops... (Hit 'Em Style)". Honestly, lyrics wise it was a hot mess, but the ladies definitely brought swag and they were on pitch and they had harmonies, so it was a win. No surprise when all four ladies are sent right through.
Morgan Leigh Boberg, Lauren Mink, and Brandy Hotard performed "Sin Wagon" complete with train? choreography. I didn't get it. They all made it though though, so what do I know? Nothing, obvi.
The next group is struggling, with lots of things. Working together, choreography, an addiction to leopard print. Savannah Votion, Lizz Weiss, Daysia Hall, and J'Leigh Chauvin were just terrible all around. I mean, one of them went on stage in pantyhose riddled with holes. What is happening here? The only person who made it through was Daysia.
The next group looks like a recipe for disaster. One of them, Janelle, is having a nervous breakdown. It makes for good tv. Kriss Mincey, Janel Stinney, Cristabel Clack, and another one sort of sang the song. The only one that actually sang was Cristabel, but Nicki gave it a standing ovation, because they felt it? Keith and Mariah were not impressed. Somehow, all four ladies make it through. Keith makes it pretty clear that Nicki brow beat them into it.
In the next quick montage, we see that Shubha Vedula, Sarina Joi Crowe, and Aubrey Cleland were able to escape the sinking ships their groups were.
Based on the members of the next group, you expect to be blown away. Seretha Guinn, Tenna Torres, Kiara Lanier, and Jett Hermano's cover of Estelle's "American Boy" leaves a lot to be desired. You can tell by the looks on the judges faces that they are as confused by it as the rest of us. Seretha was sent packing. The other three were sent through. It sucks, because I had high hopes for Seretha.
Zoanette's group is up next and apparently today she is high. The cameras show her shaking it in the audience. Her group, which also contains, Erin Christine, Lauren Bettes, and Isabelle, tear through "Knock On Wood." It is very entertaining and Zoanette manages to be on key 2/3 of the time, so I guess that is a win. Lauren gets the boot and the rest go through.
The next group, shockingly, didn't get along. Can you believe it?! They are talking mad shit about music teacher Liz, who has borrowed one of Adam Levine's chunky sweaters and is only wearing it partly. Shira Gavrielov, Alisha Dixon, Liz (who's last name is Bills), and Courtney Calle perform a soul crushing version of "Somebody That I Used To Know." It also seems the only lyric they know from the song is the title. So there's that. Barefoot Liz who everybody hates is the only one that makes it through. Hahahahahahahahaha.
The next group made the brilliant decision to change their song that morning. They started out with the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart." They obviously weren't gelling together. Making excuses. So two hours before the audition they changed it to, what else? "Somebody That I Used To Know." They swear up and down that this song is waaaayyy better, but they have the lyrics written. on. their. HANDS! Stephanie Schimel, Alex Delaney, Kalli Therinae, and Holly Miller were a joke. The judges knew it. I loved Nicki openly mocking their palm reading. Stephanie and Holly, somehow, make it through.
Apparently, the thing to do this year, was write the lyrics on your body. Palms, back of hands, arms, all covered in writing. You'd have thought all the ladies were miniature Jewels. Haley Davis, Kree Harrison, Britnee Kellogg, and Brandy Neely hated each other and life, basically. One person maybe knew the words. Nicki tore into Brandy for going to bed and leaving the other ladies in the lurch. Everyone except Brandy Neely went through to the next round.
My beloved Kez Ban and the rest of her group closed out the group rounds. Kez, Breanna Steer, Angela Miller, and Janelle Arthur actually did a good job on The Beach Boys' "Be My Baby." They all made it. So now, the torture of group rounds is over. Next, individual performances with the band.
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