TV Recap: You Thought This Was American Idol? Think Again.

American Idol, Season 12, Episode 1:  New York Auditions

Last night, a little over 17 million people tuned in to watch what they thought was the twelfth season premiere of American Idol.  It looked the same.  There was season 11 winner Phillip Phillips plugging in his guitar and singing his hit Olympic anthem, "Home."  There were the statistics rattling across the screen, reminding people that while there were now two additional music shows, neither of them have produced the successes that Idol has.  They have an Oscar winner, dont'cha know?  The new judges are introduced.  First, there is returning "judge" Randy Jackson, who does nothing but spout non sensical gibberish and current artists names in an attempt to remain relevant.  Country music superstar and Mr. Nicole Kidman, Keith Urban.  Platinum selling, pink haired, rapstress, Nicki Minaj.  Finally, five octave ranged, Mariah Carey, who on her own has sold as many albums as all the American Idol alums combined.  Then, totally not gay, host Ryan Seacrest announced as always that "This... is... AMERICAN IDOL!!"  The first audition city is New York.  Everyone's excited.  The judges sit down and start jabbering and that's when you realize, this isn't American Idol.  It's The Nicki and Mariah, Oh No You Didn't Put Your Name First, it's the Mariah and Nicki Show."  A show where two musical superstars, getting paid obscene amounts of money, can't put aside their ridiculous, lower than petty, imagined differences and do their, using Ms. Carey's own air quotes, "jobs."

The ridiculous bickering started up pretty much immediately.  The women refused to sit by each other.  Nicki was loud.  Mariah tried to rise above, but rose to the smallest bait.  The dueling divas couldn't even be bothered to look up when the first "singer" came in, doing some odd step routine to the tune of "We Will Rock You."  Finally, the judges start paying attention.  They are not impressed with his lyrics, which he claims are improvised.  He offers to do another song, but the judges send him on his way.  I didn't even bother to write down his name.

This is pretty much how the whole episode continued.  Nicki and Mariah fighting over who got to speak first, fighting over contestants, fighting over Nicki's ridiculous "Roman" voice, which is an English accent.  Oh, Nicki's doing an English accent, then that means that Mariah needs to do an English accent also.  She will not be upstaged!!  Then, Mariah brought up Mean Girls!!  Was that a not so subtle way to accuse Nicki of being Regina George?  No, since Mariah then calls herself Regina.  The whole time, all I could think was, poor Keith Urban.  Nothing could have prepared him for these two.  What could?  He is married to an emotionless robot.  He's not used to this.

(Side note:  Now, typically I hate Idol's scripted montages, where they get terrible contestants to sing the same song, or something like that.  However, I did really laugh at the montage of Nicki's faux English accent, only because it included the moment where Mariah had to do it too.)

I have done a lot of complaining about the new judging panel, but they aren't all bad.  They have offered constructive criticism.  They have advised passable singers that they aren't quite ready, even though they come equipped with a made for Idol sob story.  A perfect example of this is 21-year-old, Evan Ruggiero, a former dancer who lost one of his legs to cancer.  His version of Jason Mrarz's, "I'm Yours," was decent, but not quite there.  In past years, his lack of leg, combined with his middling talent would have gotten him a pass to Hollywood.  Not this year, which I thought was pretty refreshing.

Also, for all of her idiosyncrasies and "look at me" antics, Nicki did offer some constructive criticism and if she could tone it down, she could become the best judge on the panel.  

Now, contrary to what the ladies would have you believe, this show is about the contestants and the talent.  So, let's have a quick rundown on the 8 contestants who we witnessed receiving their golden tickets:

Tenna Torres, 28, attended "Camp Mariah" as a teen.  "Camp Mariah?"  Seriously?  That was/is a thing?  Why didn't I know that?  That is one camp I maybe would have liked to attend.  You even got to have your picture taken with Mariah.  Did anyone think it was weird that Mariah tried to steal the picture?  Who thought she wanted to cut Teena out of it and marvel at how good she looked back then?  Turns out, "Camp Mariah" paid off.  Teena sang a soul stirring rendition of Carole King's "You've Got a Friend."  She did a great job showcasing the clarity of her voice and embellishing just enough to impress.  Also, she's 28.  I will always root for the older contestants.  Always.  Damn kids.

Christine "Isabelle" sang "Summertime."  It was OK.  I wasn't as in love with it as the judges were.  Mariah of course talked about how she'd been singing the song FOREVER.  I doubt we will see much of her in Hollywood.  Also, what was the deal with the "Isabelle?"

Shira Gabriella is 23 and had a #1 single in her home country of Israel when she was 18.  She did an OK, try to soundalike cover of Amy Winehouse's "Valerie."  This was probably the biggest "meh" for me.  I was not a fan.  This could work on "X-Factor" but not really Idol material.

Frankie Ford, 24, is a subway busker.  Funniest thing was Nicki Minaj explaining that to Keith Urban, like it is a strictly American thing.  Loved Mariah's exasperation here and it was cute how Keith broke it to her gently.  I was a big fan of Frankie's audition.  His wasn't the best audition that we heard all night, but I loved his song choice, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)."  He did really interesting things with the melody and I think with his uniqueness and his personality he could go far.

Sarah Restuccio, 17, somehow found a way to digitally place herself in Skylar Laine's audition footage.  That was weird.  She sang Carrie Underwood's "Mama's Song."  It was a good, clear country vocal.  I wasn't feeling it though.  It was a touch too pedestrian for me.

Angela Miller, 18, told the judges that she was deaf in one ear.  You wouldn't have known it though.  Her crystal clear, pitch perfect rendition of "Mamma Knows Best" by Jessie J was a highlight of the night.  Here's hoping she goes far.

Gurpreet Singh Sarin, 21, was a genteel, fashion conscious Indian-American.  He talked to the judges about how he color coordinated his turbans to his outfits.  And do not get me started about that whole "Turbantor" thing.  I agreed with Nicki and Keith.  His voice was OK and there was nothing wrong with his performance of Maroon 5's "Sunday Morning."  He sort of reminded me of a less cool Anoop Desai.  Mariah and Randy said yes.  Keith said no.  It was all the hands of the wannabe Brit.  Nicki eventually said yes, mainly because I think she wanted to coordinate her wigs with his turbans.  I don't see Gurpreet going very far in Hollywood.

Ashley Feliciano, 20, was the final NYC audition and as Idol is wont to do, they saved the best for last.  Ashley came equipped with a sweet backstory about how her parents had adopted 4 children from the foster care system since 2002.  All of them medically complex.  The sequences showing Ashley with her family managed to move even my blackest of hearts, and I like to think that I am immune to the blatant emotional manipulation that shows like Idol try to perpetrate on their audience.  Turns out, Ashley didn't need the backstory, because her voice made the hairs on my arms stand on end.  She sang Corinne Bailey Rae's "Put Your Records On," a song that should be banned from all singing competitions.  Ashley breathed new life into the song, doing interesting things with the melody.  She seemed comfortable and relaxed.  She moved.  She interacted with the judges.  This girl is a star.  I'm excited to see where she goes.

In total, 41! contestants made it to Hollywood and with that, the newest iteration of American Idol came to an end, but not without a trailer showing the diva antics to come.  All in all, while the fighting was irritating, it was nice to see a judging panel who was fully engaged and seemed to care about the contestants and actually finding a viable new musical artist.  We are going to Chicago next.  See you then!!